Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

People keep looking for the perfect one, but perfection is an attribute of God alone.

When God wants to give you a miracle, He first gives you a problem.

Reform is born of need not pity.

The Big Bang theory says nothing about what banged, why it banged, or what happened before it banged.

Man is at his best when complimented by the influence of a good woman.

Anyone who tells you that it is better to have loved and lost that to never loved at all has never done both.

Sometimes, indeed often, we work on a theme with an unformed idea, and, when it has passed through the process, its final result is something we could never have predicted when we commenced.

Every day silence harvests its victims. Silence is a mortal illness.

Rage is to writers what water is to fish.

It is the easiest thing in the world to go to astray, but always difficult to return.