Gazing at the typewriter in moments of desperation I console myself with three thoughts. Alcohol at six, dinner at eight, and to be immortal you've got to be dead.

If you'd spent your life being called "Gyles Brandreth", you would crawl across broken glass to achieve the bliss, the simplicity, the purity, the joy of simply being called "Bob".

He loved what he did, he loved being on Countdown - he just loved life

Praise makes me humble, but when I am abused, I know that I have touched the stars.

I think it should be made clear that the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats, they have not got into bed together; they are merely sharing a room.

If God had meant us to go metric, why did he give Christ twelve apostles?

As a politician, you only meet two types of people. People with problems, and people who are right.

John Major. He dresses so well. And so quickly.

In the Members' Dining Room, the Conservatives eat at one end, the Labour Party at the other, while the Liberals wait at table.

I am the prince of procrastination. It is my besetting sin. I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do - the day after

Those who pay their bills on time are soon forgotten. It is only by not paying one's bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.

It's your heart. No one else gets a say in that.

The pride of aiming at more knowledge, and pretending to more perfection, is the cause of Man's error and misery.

An error is simply a failure to adjust immediately from a preconception to an actuality.

Rejoice with them that do rejoice and weep with them that weep.

Never say ‘you don’t know’, say, ‘I’ll find out!’

The trouble with me is I think too much. I always said you have to be dumb to play good golf.

The susceptibility of the average modern to pictorial suggestion enables advertising to exploit his lessened power of judgment.

Care is taken that trees do not grow into the sky. [Ger., Es ist dafur gesorgt, dass die Baume nicht in den Himmel wachsen.]

We're taking back the night

We don't have to change our thoughts. We have to get beneath them, to the very essence from which they emerge.