Comedians do movies and TV so that when they tour, they sell out. That's the goal: To get popular enough so the place is packed.

I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.

There's 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense?

When you go to Hawaii, it's all about "Aloha." It means hello, goodbye and I love you.

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

Just calm down and think, sir. Think. Where is your wife?

Political correctness’ is a label the privileged often use to distract from their privilege and hate.

Fear of death increases in exact proportion to increase in wealth.

I'm romantic to the point of embarrassment.

There are more experiences in life than you’d think for which there are no words.

I've kind of come to the conclusion that what passes for realism in movies has nothing to do with reality and that my stuff is more realistic than that.

The bars on our cage are of our own making.

The central dynamism of Christianity, which rests precisely on a unity through variety.

I guess I'm going to fade into Bolivian.

If you make a great deal of Christ, He will make a great deal of you; but if you make but a little of Christ, Christ will make but a little of you.