A new survey out says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smart phones say they own an American.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Potency is defined as a hidden opportunity, ability, strength, being able to display itself in certain conditions

Actually Grandad Christmas is a pagan holiday and Jesus probably hates you for celebrating it.

Stubbs may have envisaged the skeleton inside the horse, but most of us do not

The Italians are not indulgent, as Americans are. They don't have the patience to teach young singers how to move. They think you should learn in school.

Knowledge is promiscuous. It mates and gives birth to more knowledge.

I don't know, why am I called the opposite of what I am? It's very confusing to me.

Jealousy is the very reverse of understanding, of sympathy, and of generous feeling. Never has jealousy added to character, never does it make the individual big and fine.

If you keep making jokes like that, somebody is going to shoot you, father.

I was in New York. Hitchcock was in California. He rang me to make a report on his progress and said, I'm having trouble. I've just sacked my second screenwriter

I'm generally a very annoyingly positive person, in real life. I think that might have something to do with my gravitation towards angry human beings on screen.