A new study found that a mother's diet affects her baby's allergies. Which can only mean one thing: My mom ate cats.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Those with dissociative disorders face a big enough battle living as multiples and dealing with past trauma. Like everyone else, they deserve to be heard and recognised, not stigmatised.

Which got me to wondering whether it’s possible to learn how to be a person in a world where all the people are dead.

No' seems such a flimsy and inadequate little word to express how very little interest I have in hearing you rambling on about that particular topic.

Above all, an artist must never be too easily satisfied with what he has done.

Love means you can never be apart.

The poor folk gladly came to me, for I did them no unkindness, but helped them as much as I could.

I never thought that I would have to play an Indian, well half French, but an Indian woman in my life.

Some idiotic things are well worth doing.

All autobiography is fiction.

It's never long distance between friends.