Humour Quotes
It's just...how do I put this? Maybe it's just hard for me to imagine turning down something that's so much harder for someone like me to find.
Sadie gave her head an exaggerated scratch. ‘Don’t come too close if you know what’s good for you, these nits are on steroids.
Jake's in trouble.'Luca rolled his eyes. 'What now?''He's gone off somewhere, I think I know where, and I don't think it's good.''Cant that boy ever stay in and watch telly like the rest of us?
Jacob glanced across at the woman. 'She'd have you for breakfast, mate.''Yeah, ' Luca countered, 'maybe I want to be had for breakfast.
Thanks for not trying to see me when I looked like hell.”“To be fair, you still look pretty bad.
Or should I say that he is like the hand that is able to scratch your itchy parts with the perfect amount of strength!
Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts
Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.
Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.
Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.
If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.
Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.
Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.
What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.
Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.
Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.
If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.
Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!
And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.
As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.
Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...
Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.
Always take a compliment, even if it’s not yours
I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.
A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.
Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet!
I knew that I was talented. I was positive about that. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was talented at, but I was ambitious enough to wait it out and see what turned up.
Moreover, man carries in his heart the desire always to wield his scientific knowledge in service of the greater good. He would of course never use it for destructive purposes. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! ...
Is there a reason why you’re standing there, staring out the window and watching the neighbors? Are we preparing to kill them and drag them down to the basement and bury them alive?
Meet Logan Jackson, smug, self-entitled, proud, arrogant, trust-fund brat.
Basically, dating is like climbing a volcano and you never know when it’s going to erupt, dumping molten lava and burning you
I mean, I don’t want to pass judgment—I just wish my husband didn’t shoot deer.”“Oh, Mel, don’t worry. I’ve been hunting with your husband—the deer are completely safe.
You dance?”“I think that might be overly optimistic, ” he said. “I do something. I’ll try not to hurt you.
He’d never been shy, but he’d always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn’t believe they liked him.