Humour Quotes

Like all shrinks she was a deeply troubled person.From "Fat Jimmy And The Blind Ballerina" due out early 2017.

Maybe people do like wine. It's not as nice as just eating the grapes, but it's okay.

The word mortgage originates in French. it literally means 'death grip'.

There's no point asking dogs about their dreams because sleeping dogs lie.

Rhetoric abounds in the cemeteries of reason.

Perhaps we are yet to feel the full impact of the Y2K bug but so far it's been quiet.

Oh, to be the author of prison letters. It's a young girl's dream come true.

...methinks the older that one grows, Inclines us more to laugh the scold, though laughterLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

And yet methinks the older that one growsInclines us more to laugh than scold, though laughterLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

The entire time Albie followed Beverly around the house doing what the children referred to as “the stripper soundtra

Your memory has always been given to opportunistic revision.

At least I'm honest about being a liar

He was the guy who always won the game of chicken because his opponents suspected he might actually enjoy a head-on collision.

What the heck is this, a trivet?""I AM WAFFLE FACE!

Life without a pasta machine is like life without music!

He discovered in his heart the first faint whispering of pure Christianity, and in some way he continued to keep his virtue intact by keeping his vices active.

I don't think you have talent!! But... I guess Fuuka will do.I have no choice!

It's easier to get philosophers to agree than clocks.

Never worry if you’re excluded from the circle, sometimes it’s full of squares.

Always walk as if you’re running late, it’s healthier.

You haven't been fired, " Mary said with a sigh. "You always jump to the worst possible conclusion. Why on earth would you be getting f

When I reached 70, the doc said I should try walking 5 miles a day. At 72, I'm still trying to find my way home ☺️

You can’t fight if you’re drunk, ” she n

The elf was armed with a bow, a sword, and an overwhelming sense of his own importance.

He ate with all the restraint of a nymphomaniac at an orgy.

You like it in jail?""It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

Swearing is a currency the countryside spends well.

A golden dragon. Splendid. My life expectancy has just become shorter than a gnome’s todger.

I also know a Were-Pomeranian named Phoebe Fluffenstuff that will gut someone with her samurai sword as casually as you would slice a pie

If I wanted a life of chastity I’d live with my wife.

You like it in jail?It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

You like it in jail?''It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

I may not hate al of the people all the time, but I hate all of them some of the time, and I hate some of them all of the time.

I may not hate all of the people all of the time, but I hate all of them some of the time, and I hate some of them all of the time.

If you're dealing with a pack of werewolves I'll jump in without hesitation, but I was not getting in the middle of a pack of crazed shoppers on Black Friday

It's the old headpiece that makes a man, the rest is all rubbish.

After all, I was once like you are, but being the right sort I got where I am.

I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.

Hardship bred a bitter, quickfire humour and resilience to all but the most terminal of life's tragedies.

What nature hath joined together, multiple regression analysis cannot put asunder.

People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.

Unlike Panic! At The Disco, I write sins AND Tragedies.

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.

Unlike Panic! At the Disco, I write sins AND tradgedies.

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.

The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…

The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…