Humour Quotes
He's got a chloroform-soaked rag in one hand, and before Judy realizes what's happening, the dude is all over her like fat on cheese.
Whew, ' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did.
His jaw was set, telling me I should back off. Unfortunately, being a gobby cow meant I couldn’t.
...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low.
He must have been delightful, " she said, "when he was alive!
He eased back and murmured, “You taste so damn sweet. Like maple syrup.”“And you taste like stolen bacon.
Tell me you spotted a condom tree over to the right by the stream of lube.
A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart.
Mary, you know I hate parties. My idea of hell is a very large party in a cold room where everybody has to play hockey properly.
The big bad monster wasn't green and hiding under the bed, it wore tasteless floral prints, bright scarlet lipstick and sat in the kitchen smoking and saying 'bollocks' alot.
Network administrators all share an abiding and passionate desire for one thing: We want our users to shut up.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" It was...........Dumbledore!
I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT" Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!
Agent Jones held Sinjin’s face in his hands. “I’m going to make balloon animals. People need balloon animals.”“How right you are, strange delusional man, ” Sinjin said.
Maxim 37: There is no "overkill." There is only "open fire" and "reload."-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Manners come down to a single principle, talk of nothing that might actually prove interesting.
Bob loses saving throw vs. shiny with a penalty of -5. Bob takes 2d8 damage to the credit card.
The nuisance of her presence outweighs the gratification to be derived from tormenting her
Joe: Oo, Brittany "Aren't I Fabulous?" Hobson?Addie: She's not that bad.Joe: Brittany "All the Boys Like Me, I'm so Popular I Could Die" Hobson.Addie: Joe!
Don't mind Russ, " he says. "He's a good kid underneath all those holes, although it's a wonder he doesn't spring a leak when he drinks
Right now I've got just two rules to live by.Rule one: don't taunt elephants.Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.-Sergeant Schlock
If the colour of life turns grey turn the palette the other way
Maxim 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
I fought the mighty urge to watch her put it on. My libido had just burst out of the closet and was tripping over furniture yelling, "Who? What? Where?" (Please excuse him. He doesn't get out much)
Holy shit, " somebody muttered in the dark."A virgin, " sputtered another."I didn't know they still made them.""He just did.
It is a curiously moving experience, to hear 350 sailors uttering the words "Oh shit!" in eleven different languages.
...I have to go home and get a few things done. If I don’t get out the Pledge soon, the dust bunnies are going to be leaving tracks on my furniture...
Whoever had created humanity had left in a major design flaw.It was its tendency to bend at the knees.
She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.
But Yossarian knew he was right, because, as he explained to Clevinger, to the best of his knowledge he had never been wrong.
Lucky Luke: I wonder how you manage to read with everything that's going on.Jolly Jumper: By turning the pages just like everyone else.
it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.
I think I know where my life went wrong. For all the world's a stage and I'm a lousy actor!
When you're conscious of what you're permitting to germinate inside you, the weeds in your life will wither away of their own accord.
Her metaphors for her children included barnacles encrusting a ship and limpets clinging to a rock.
While the archetype of the tinker is generally the whipping person in classical bedtimes stories, this particular individual was a tinker by trade and just happened to be economically disadvantaged.
Mother Goose!I have never much cared for flippant remarks, especially when others make them, and in particular, I don't give a frog's fundament for them when they come from an adult.