Humorous Quotes

Fiction is but a moment of bliss that takes the pain away...Like a cookie for the soul...

Listen carefully, I’m going to say three words.”“I love you?

I love you like a big fish

Men did stupid things when they got romantic ideas in their heads.

No, I don't go to that restaurant anymore. No body goes there. It's too crowded.

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Unsuccessful pick-up lines" 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Show me a writer that doesn't use their craft as a coping mechanism and I'll show you my unicorn.

I doubt very much that writers ever go to therapy. I wouldn't! I imagine that I wouldn't have anything to write about after!

I love Naples, Florida! Although, I’m so far behind everyone else there. After all, I’m still wearing my first face!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars.

Tell Jack that after he finishs saving the universe again, he has to take out the trash in the kitchen."-Rosalind Kirby, one day in 1971

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

Wisdom of the Ages "News People" Always joking around and happy. I guess that proves that ignorance really is bliss.

A man who has shot lions in large quantities has an unfair advantage over other men.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Virtual Reality" A fairly plausible explanation for the abundance of Virtual People running around these days.

Politicians and children have two speeds: running and asleep.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Tom Brady's balls" Nothing more than a publicity stunt to keep the NFL Network from losing San Francisco's market share.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Wilson or Brady?" The writing is on the ball...

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Eating Crow" This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Tooth Fairy" Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

Wisdom of the Ages: "The Pope and Congress" It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

Jack, I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. Oh Mom, you're way too old to be having a mid-life crisis.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

Wisdom of the Ages: "True Nobility" Comes not from thinking one is better than others-it comes from working toward the betterment of all.

I wish I had an imaginary friend.

Think pink but don't wear it

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

Jenna can't hear us, she's blind

Wisdom of the Ages: "Hillary" Has replaced the term "battle-axe" to describe an undesirable mother-in-law in 37 languages.

I have come to see the nonsense of trying to describe fine scenery.

Wisdom of the Ages "Car Commercials" One of the last times you're ever gonna see that overpriced s-box not stuck in a traffic jam.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Ski-ing" The act of visiting Polish people.

Wisdom of the Ages: "BS" Has now replaced death, worthless IOU's and ignorance as America's number one export.

Wisdom of the Ages: "New Year" For a kid, the ultimate source of confusion. They say it's a new year, but after the break, you realize you are still in the same class, with the same lousy people.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Boxing Day" In the UK, the day after Christmas is named after the first activity that takes place between husband and wife after the Christmas receipts are added up.

Wisdom of the Ages: "The Nativity" The Son of God was born in a manger-not surprising, have you seen the prices of hotel rooms in Bethlehem? Oy Vay! Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah Peace!

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be!" - Governor Dewar

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

Wisdom of the Ages: "New Year's Eve" The last day you can do all the things you are resolving to give up-until you give up on your New Year's resolutions.

Play and be happy.

Wisdom of the Ages "The Marshawn" US Army's new main battle tank. Runs over enemies instead of shooting them. Biggest expense: maintaining the dreadlocks hanging off the turret.

After we bring food home from the grocery store...Dogs must think we are the greatest hunters ever!

Common sense is a tool that isn't in everyone's shed.