Humorous Quotes

Who ever felt canary yellow and light blue are a suitable color should be tarred and feathered.

I don't think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack

T. Wiggett Jones: It should be illegal...to feel this rotten...without a variety of loathsome memories to cherish.Wild Wild West (TV) First Season: Night of the Grand Emir

Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes!" Michael Keaton character in "Mr. Mom

Dr. Loveless: Dang these pine needles. Why can't a forest be decently carpeted?Wild Wild West (TV) Second Season: Night of the Green Terror

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

110, 111 whatever it takes!"Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

Count Duchamps: It's a wonder he didn't clank when he [Jim West] when he walked. (referring to all of Jim's gadgets and weaponry)Wild Wild West (TV) Season 1Night of the Two-Legged Buffalo

Damn it, I should be the only one allowed to drool over him. I found him first! Or something not as stupid.

Follow Your Dreams, Except the One Where You’re at School in Your Underwear

My father had bought him a shirtthat said “Sure you can date my daughter.  In a completely unrelated topic, have you seen my shotgun?

Seduction is the art of saying what you don't do in order to do what you don't say

Can I have my ear back?" He asked irritably.She blinked."Mother, can you tell this creature here to loosen her hold?

Writing is my passion, not my job. I need to write as much as I need to breathe, if not more.

Q and Beanpole and I giggled at the way our math teacher, Mr. Sung-Li, wore four pencils in his shirt pocket in case he was suddenly attacked by a multiplication problem or something.

The ark was like a portable computer hard drive and Noah was a one-man Geek Squad, and he dumped God's most important files onto it before he zorched the virus-ridden computer that was the world.

I have a constant hungry bum. It's like my own venus fly trap

I cannot see you anymore. Your ego spans higher than the Himalayas.” Sutara

My mouth was dry. Whispers carried on the wind as the maids around me bunched together in small groups, hysterical, morbid. I thought: who will clean the mess?

We’re automatons in a symphony conducted by a lunatic and performed by blind idealists.” Damon

Two kinds of people always lie about their ages: actresses and Latin American pitchers.

See? That’s it, ” he said, waving his hand. “That’s part of what makes us so great, Luce. I’m crazy. You’re crazy. Together, we make our own brand of crazy.

Everyone was going crazy, like they’d just witnessed the birth of Jesus and the invention of electricity at the same time. Jude was a rock star, their savior, and they were paying him homage.

I’ve had a lot of food but if you don’t jiggle me too much you can have your wicked way with me.

I am (thank God!) constitutionally superior to reason.

Do you follow the wrestling? Most people think it's illegal, but you can watch it there. Ruby and Python are on display this evening.

One should never marry a man who doesn't own a decent set of scissors.

If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it.

Albert Camus did not know he was summing up modern photojournalism when he wrote:"Will I kill myself or have a cup of coffee

If the ties that bind ever do come looseIf forever ever ends for youIf that ring gets a little too tightYou might as well read me my last rights.

Put it on your forehead and you'll feel better in no time!

I took your name when I took those vowsI meant 'em back then and I mean 'em right now.

--he stopped and eyed Bill Corso--"if you choose to just sit here like a bored jungle gorilla, you will have to write out this quote as many times as you can during the next hour.

Always take a compliment, even if it’s not yours

You gotta want it.

Spider or gum? Spider or gum? I thought quickly trying to come up with a believable excuse when I blurted out, “I swallowed a spider!” What? I swallowed a spider? What the hell is wrong with me?!

you don't know until you know!

I threw my hand over my mouth and blurted out the first best excuse I could come up with, “Morning breath!

There's a place for farts, and there's a place for sharts.

You spit in this?""Yup."Chris shrugged. "As long as you're honest.

I'm OK with being single, but I'm not OK when the time comes where I have to move my furniture around and to change the high ceiling light balls...

I'm used to desperate, buddy. Desperate's my factory default. But thanks anyway.

Imogen was a bright girl naturally, but she had read so many novels that her brain was completely turned.

Madam, I have just come from a country where people are hanged if they talk.

That's how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they're looking' to find poloponies.

...clearly, we're supposed to be together. If this were the internet, seventeen-year-old girls would be writing slash fiction about us as we speak.

How's the blood-stream, my dear, invaluable little woman? How's the blood-stream?"..."It's quite comfortable, sir...I think, sir, thank yo

Writing is a lonely pursuit. The only thing working is imagination and hands.The only difference between writing and masturbation is one is presumably intended for a mass audience.

When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing...

Locavore?" But before he could answer, I figured it out. "Someone who eats food produced locally? As opposed to locovore, someone who eats crazy people?