Humorous Quotes

What an idiot.

THIS IS A COMPLIMENT?You're incrediburgableshe saidwhich is to sayYou're a little like incrediblebut a lot more like ahamburger.

Not a week after Annie put her foot in Mrs. Huffmaster's duff, the Captain upped and laid down the date.

What was to fear from a foe that could be defeated by a few potholes and the heat of the sun?

hey man, i am tankianann and i like to research

…When you’ve know me longer, you’ll learn that I mean everything I say.”“Even the lies?”“Especially the lies. Lord Petyr…

You hit the Lord of The Titans with a blue plastic hairbrush.

Hermione: You! You foul, loathsome, evil little cocroach!Ron: Hermione, no! He's no worth it.

Hagrid: Harry -- yer a wizard.Harry: I'm a what?

Ron: [mimicking Hermione] "It's Levi-OOOOH-sa not LevioSAR." She's a nightmare, honestly. It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends!

I laugh. Yer crazy, I says.I was fine till I met you, he says.

You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.

Perhaps he was merely being friendly. Perhaps he saw the look on my face and mistook it for something else. Really what I wanted was the cigarette.

Then the Miller fell off his horse.

And his father has the gall to think I’d seduce a kid who uses Clearasil instead of aftershave!

Putting the brakes on is not an easy thing for a vamp to do. It's kind of like a shark trying to stop a feeding frenzy, or that old potato chip slogan: "Bet you can't eat just one.

He’s an even-tempered stallion. What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed, kind of like most of the men I’ve slept with.

The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.

Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms.

My libido was doing the humpy dance while dressed in Milkbone pasties and a thong.

Am I a human? Yes. Then I like The Princess Bride.

Oh, it's called, em...' Kate thinks, 'I can't remember what it's called.''You're the same as me, ' Dad says to her. 'You've got CRAFT too.''What's that?''Can't. Remember. A. Fuc-

It was the study hour. Most of the monks were reading. A few were meditating, an activity that was suspiciously similar to dozing.

Eve: I don't understand this word..."Freedom." Does it mean...I do what I want?Sven: Yes.Eve: Then I wouldn't have to kill anymore?Sven: No more killing.

Tell me about yourself.' A strange thing for a husband to ask a wife.

I regret it is not possible to marry by post.

He invited me to dinner Thursday night, " Rusty said. "I'm going to have to go to his house.""I don't think he invited you to dinner, " Delilah said. "I think he invited you because you are dinner.

...every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment).

Jim: By the way Artie. How are you going to escape?Artie: Oh, the usual way. Guile.. cunning...trickery.Wild Wild West Season 3Night of the Arrow

This must be the most embarrassing moment in my life. I am glad I am too ill to appreciate it fully.

Of course, you won't confirm or deny it, which means I'm probably right, since if I was wrong, you'd be gloating about it.

... a metaphor ... is like lying but more decorative.

But stay away from him, Juliana. When we said we wanted to make you a good match, Leighton was not who we imag

I glance down, and my eyes get big."What?" He glances down, realizes why my eyes are big, and shrugs his shoulders. "It's morning.""It's cute. Can I keep it?

Felicity was horrible and snide, but then Felicity had been a repulsive earwig ever since she first grew a vocabulary.

I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can get an exorcism.

You need to relax and be yourself, not whoever it is you’re trying to be in your mad little head. I bloody don’t, though. I’m me and I’m good at it.

I used to wonder what I was doing wrong. Now I know: just about everything.

I'm like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don't leave.

Soon the grizzly was joined by a brown bear, a sun bear, and a beaver suffering from an identity crisis of magnificent proportion

Karma: I know I've seen this man someplace before.Artie (as McGuffey): Considering some of the places I frequent lady that's a comprising remark!Wild Wild West TV Season 1Night of the Flaming Ghost

You know, I can’t wait for her to gets married because hell is made of fire and she said it would be frozen before she gots married again.” ~ Anna Kate

So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.

But the best part of catching Neil in the shower was, hands down, the loud, awful singing.

Toddlers are germ-warfare machines in a cute package"- Debora Geary

Worse day ever!" I whined to Ellie."Oh, worse than the time you got pulled over and the cop said 'papers' and you said 'scissors, I win' and he didn't laugh?

... Kenny G is extremely talented and resourceful and a powerful force to be reckoned with ... Mr. G might not seem evil, but I fear him more than any other human being.

It saddened me that sometimes shopping was far more perilous than dealing with zombies and vampires.

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

You have exactly 10 seconds to change that look of disgusting pity, into one of enormous respect!