Humorous Quotes
My life is a plate of perfectly edible but ordinary scrambled eggs. I want them savory, creamy, cheesy and maybe with bacon on the side.
What about the old standby of kicking a guy in the groin?" "Try to." Love to...
My son's got the I.Q. Of a robot but I don't have the dough to send him to school.
When you want something done, you ask a man. When you want it done quietly and without any fuss, you ask a woman.
Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.""I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!""Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.
If this was mental illness, or even just a particularly clinical case of adolescence, I was bearing up pretty well.
They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally.
Mama said there would be days like this.She never said it would be day after day, after day!~ Unknown
Fighting with tangles, fighting with curls, the poor barber yanked, the poor barber pulled, until with one last effort(and to the wonder of us all)a GINORMOUS Polar Bearlanded on the floor.
There are few things more discomfiting than a spontaneous outburst of genuine decency from someone you’re determined to dislike for no good reason.
College = A place where you spend a ton of money for a piece of paper that says you're qualified.
Why are you worrying about you-know-who?You should be worrying about u-no-poo!The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!
I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.
I recalled thinking...His freakishly tidy side could be a problem. To say that neatness was not my strong suit would be a crime against, well, the truth.
If the Good Lord meant men to use percussion caps, he wouldn't have strung flint all over the ground.
And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.
As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.
His mama beat him with an ugly stick so hard, it gone straight on till his soul.
What better time to be kind to a beautiful stranger than when she’s weak, and rocking a schnoz like the Godfather?
The dweam of wuv wapped wiffin the gweater dweam of everwasting west. Eternity is our fwiend, wemember that, and wuv wiw fowwow you fowever.
How many beers do y'all think it takes before one internationally scientist turns to another and says, 'Dude, bet you twenty bucks I can levitate a frog with a magnet?' ' Sam drawled.
Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?
Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
We are flawed creatures with explosive feelings that subconsciously aspire to be non-violent sociopaths.
...but as his father used to say when he had a few drinks taken, you couldn't expect bloody miracles when you were talking about God.
Germans at the time believed, a little oddly, that dyes killed germs by turning the germs’ vital organs the wrong color.
Trust me. You’re a constant riddle with an ever-changing solution." ~ FBI Special Agent Clive Poole to Maggie Mae Castro
Basker possesses three kinds of bite: a snap, a nip, and then something like a buzz saw and an angle grinder mounted on a bear trap.
...and it's ridiculous that anyone would praise a child for standing with arms spread out on a wooden cross, as if she were Jesus's dead sister wearing a checkerboard tablecloth.
Communist until you get rich. Feminist until you get married. Atheist until the airplane starts falling.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
I just called you corny and said you were wearing a green dress. That's, like, the least flirtatious thing anyone's ever