Humorous Quotes
I began to think I quite liked her really. It's always so nice to meet someone more badly behaved than oneself.
Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...
I had about as much chance to do that as I did of backpacking my car to the top of Mount Rushmore.
If I ever figured out how to go back in time, I'd tell my nine-year-old self to run the other way when a gnome showed up in her room promising a life of magic and adventure.
Solomon smiles with us
Don't whine to your spouse about your daily troubles. He's had a harder day providing for you and your children. This is what you're aspiring to?
Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it.
I wouldn't miss this fake-homo show for all the Gucci Shoes on Rodeo Drive.
Never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their busted up shoes and haven't had any money for medication for two weeks.
What are your interests?""Your son in my room, " I said."Excuse me?""The sun and the moon, " I said. "Astronomy.
Let me introduce you. Sophie, this is Miss Eliot, from the National Childcare Agency. Miss Eliot, this is Sophie, from the ocean.
At least it's working out because Cheddar is sort of obsessed with me, or at least very interested, which in the world of felines counts as obsessive behavior.
It would look pretty messed up to be a social worker and have dried kid blood as a permanent stain in your vehicle.
You held me down and rammed me so hard I deep-throated you from the other end.
Well, it all started when I figured out that the janitor at my high school was the Angel of Death…
There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I'm taking a break from it tonight. I'll be back at it tomorrow.
It was possible that he was making some progress in his mental health condition by seeing me.
Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.
It’s human nature to view life from our own reality.This causes serious problems when a rescue mission is being led by the senile or insane.
The first sign that Karma was now in cahoots with the Devil Incarnate to ruin her existance should've been before sunrise and pre-coffee.
He has become a worm. That is what I am telling you.""I don't suppose it would be possible, " said Henry into the silence, "to, er, step on him?
Eggs, " said Henry dreamily, looking at his plate. "I do love eggs. I could eat them all day.
My dearest Pudding pie" I read aloud."Yes, my little turnip?" "Hilarious, " I muttered. "If you ever call me anything of the sort again we shall have words.
Don't be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling.""I didn't mean no harm, " I said and kissed her. "That a new dress?""Ah! Changing the subject, you coward.
White? That's good. virginal. He'll be reminded this is a first for you and hopefully won't just impale you on his pork sword.
Every day in New York City is a test. Work hard and pass this test, you get a chocolate cookie. From a strange man on the subway. A man without pants.
Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early at the end of the day to make up for it.
You think everyone pervs you."... "That's cos they do, and you're just jealous, cos I'm gorgeous and you're not." ~ conversation between Dante &Ash
Walking the Camino de Santiago taught me the wonders of physical challenge, the wonders of spiritual freedom, and the wonders of baby powder.
The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little mice to secretly finish the job while I am sleeping.
If I had a nickel for all the times I've been shushed in my life? Bam! Instant millionaire!
The important thing for any writer to remember is to take the writing seriously, but not the writer.
Children are nothing but a problem people create and then congratulate themselves on solving.
Nixon’s offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed like some lovable but bigoted uncle you tolerated at Christmas and Thanksgiving.
She laughed. ''You seem pretty normal.''''You've never seen Ben snort Sprite up his nose and then spit it out of his mouth, '' I said.''I look like a demented carbonated fountain, '' he deadpanned.
He says in his defence he never meddled with married women, only with virgins.
When Uncle W. G. held out his hand to take my money, I dropped the dead mouse in his hand.
Basset Hounds never get scared. We’re fearless, resolute and know how to season a good lamb chop.
