Humorous Quotes

While the man is putting on it's shoes, the woman can buy dozens of high heels.

I will take all my rights! Can you deliver them to my house?

He has his head in the clouds. He must live in a skyscraper.

His boat sank. They were all on his side.

I've learned my lesson. I know nothing.

In his life there was only one woman. The other one.

They were all on his side. Hi boat sank.

Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs.

Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married.

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe... but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks?

Without craziness, there is no courage.

I am a strong woman, I can endure it all.

When reality and your dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.

Positiveness is not a god gift. Things are negative when you realize that frog inside you is not able to jump high.

Suffering is the sorrow of joy.

I ran outta tears of sadness when I was 20 & all I got left is tears of joy.

...life's about accumulating wrinkles, deep as rivers and as wide as is needed to travel along their path, so that by the time you're ready to die, your life can be read.

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind.

If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!

Stay strong. Don't be bullied by anyone.

Children are holy angels.

I refuse to lie to children. I refuse to cater to the bullshit of innocence.

This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person’s life.

I'm a writer. I write checks. Mostly fiction.

He says he'd like to kiss the ground you walk on-reminds me, did you wash them yesterday?- and after that you're his skivvy.

That's a good attitude. You should hate me more, curse me more, and detest me! Then you should take the power of that hatred and use it to survive this rotten world.

I’ve got more faith in my shotgun than any man, that’s for sure.

Seriously, why aren't you on drugs?" Cath walked past her out of the room."Are you a licensed psychiatrist? Or do you just play one on TV?""I'm on drugs, " Reagan said. "They're a beautiful thing.

When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account...

I'm half good and I'm half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of...here.

This moment is spectacular!

A life is like a book of many chapters, some interesting, a few boring, a handful sad, one or two memorable, many joyful and others thoughtful.

A life is similar to a book. Some chapters are boring, a few emotional, a handful memorable, others saddening, one or two thoughtful and many full of smiles.

Sweetie, you don't need to drive me to the brink of insanity... I'm close enough to walk!

Until you have experienced raccoons mating underneath your bedroom at three in the morning, you have missed one of life's sensational moments.

Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, "That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!!

All humans learn from each other's mistakes. Intelligent humans learn how to avoid them, idiots how to do them.

The most overpowering will is the will to not work.

What I learn today I shall know forever. Whether or not I remember that I know it is a different story.

You’re going to be trouble, aren’t you?”“Not if you give me everything I want.”“We’ll see.

So, am I too, like all other humans, just a rogue? Sure! Just a notch less than those rascals wearing godly robes.

I’m sure she didn’t mean what she said. Life’s too short to hold grudges.” “No, you just have to organize your time better, ” Elaine said. “I believe in grudges. They help you survive.

Adventures of Lailah Gifty Akita, the wonder woman!

I laugh when i'm hurt.I laugh when i'm confused.I laugh when i'm angry.I laugh because others will laugh as well, and while we are laughing, I feel okay for a while.

Life is easy. Just stay un-dead.

Be brave to share your story! Each of our stories, have a golden treasure for a specific need.

When I am alone, I drink my tea with pinkie raised, like a kid playing "tea party." At times, a fancy British accent is involved. Dahling!

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.