Humorous Quotes

Stop teasing you two, ” Suzy jumped in, “not all of Kathy’s ideas are wacky.”“Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a compliment?

Understandably she had a lot of suitors, just like any other girls in China with two arms and legs.

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?”“Gentleman may still wear them, but I’m afraid the problem is that there aren’t many left.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man".

He will work off his crudities in time. I rather mistrust young men who slip into life gracefully.

... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.

EWI: Emailing While Intoxicated

How beautiful would history have been if it could be written beforehand and then acted out like drama!

Today is a season for tomorrow's harvest

Don’t tell me you have OCD about this?”“OCD, ADHD—pretty sure if they come up with some new acronym tomorrow I’d have it.

Jack's doctors have told him he is crazy… but, the truth is, it's the Voices who are crazy, not him.

There's no such things as sweet as dreamWell maybe if you live on itBut you could live such a sweet lifeIf you'd just realized how alive your dreams beat

When dreaming is better than reality we're livingWhat's the sense of waking up in a nightmare?

He pulled out a dagger from ... she wasn't sure where. Did he have that in his loin cloth? What else does he have in there? (Amy's thoughts, The Witching Pen)

In all of the possible scenarios Kian had envisioned, encountering a lunatic had not been one of them. It just showed him that he could never be completely prepared.

Two things never mix: one is enchantments and the other is meddling with them.

Unicorns aren't magical and beautiful. They're just predatory horses that have horns and love to eat virgins.

Prestidigitation? You've got to be joking. No one says that.

I wanted to find my voice, so I sat in silence.I wanted joy, so I cried my heart open.I wanted wisdom, so I capered in bodacious foolishness.I wanted freedom, so I felt my bonds.

Solve your problems or your problems solve you.

People who always arrive early aren't worth waiting for.

I once asked him why he smoked the world's most expensive cigarette, and he told me it was because he was a man of wealth and taste, at least according to Mick Jagger.

Prepare for a radio, for nothing is silent like the grave

Is there anything like a collective brain?

Not everything that is seen is visible.

Is the any model like morality?

Is there any thinking animal like man?

You can face fear, or feel it, her dad used to say. … Feel it, and it eats you alive. Face it, and you get to kick some ugly alien butt. Okay, he never said that. I wonder if they even have butts.

We are grateful for a happy marriage and a glorious future. Four years of a happy marriage! Happy Anniversary my dearest husband, Jeremiah Nii Mama Akita! I love you with all my heart, soul and body.

I should never do anything pre-coffee. 'It was only a teeny fire, ' I told my uncle over the phone.

When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, "because they'rea lot more likely to answer if they're not dead.

People take power trips at the most inopportune times.

Awoke to find three vultures sitting on the fence. Realizing they were a portent of impending death I shot them.

No one is normal. Everyone is just pretending to be normal.

You know you're having a bad week when you call 911, the paramedics come to your house, and one of them notices you've rearranged your furniture.

You might want to lie down, " Magnus advised. "I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in.

He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. “You’re black.”“I prefer canine-American, ” said Total.

You’re not going to let her do this, are you?” Bones snorted. “Let her? Mate, if you think you can control a woman, you must be single—-and a thousand pounds says she beats your arse.

Citizen's arrest, " he said. "Well, that, and Patch told me to.

Dean: If there is a greater power, why is it he can't get you a new sweater?Jamie: Because, he's too busy looking for your brain.

There's a name for people with an interest in the moon, " Alex said. "They're called lunatics.

Maybe you'll win when hell freezes over."He raised an eyebrow."That could be easily arranged.

I don't necessarily agree with everything that I say.

Didn't know you could measure distance so well with nothing but you bloody eyeballs

I just can't fathom why anyone would stand on a ledge when there's a respectable amount of walking space right next to it.

I am Midnight(cats stare dumbfounded)

I de­ci­ded right then and the­re to ma­ke a snic­ker­do­od­le per­fu­me to we­ar, so that one day he wo­uld sniff me li­ke that.

I do believe in shooting the messenger.You know why? Because it sends a message.

Was it fate? Was it destiny?""I think it was Alan Blunt.

-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.