Humor Quotes

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?ME: MATH.

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God's gift to Women - Griffin

I'd like to lose enough weight so that my bones creaked louder than the floor

Dealing with jackasses on every front today. Good thing I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. (Charlie Sheen Reference)

In a fair fight, the don's man would almost certainly paint the walls with Locke and Calo's blood, so it stood to reason that this fight would have to be as unfair as possible.

If they look as though they're worried, we'll move in.''And do what exactly?' said Polly.'Threaten to shoot them, ' said Maladict firmly.'And if they don't believ

Where in the nine hells did you ever find the notion that I would fight fair?”-Drizzt Do'Urden

Shoot faceless, white blobs. Roger that Menace, Gamma Kitten One over and out.

Do you know what I think?" Marcone said."You think we should shoot Nicodemus in the back at the first opportunity and let Michael dismember him.""Yes."I drew my gun. "Okay.

Well, at first I was thinking we could challenge them to a few rounds of Scattergories, but then I realized fighting would be way more emotionally satisfying." -Buffy

Regardless of what others may tell you, you only need two Mexican-Americans for a Mexican standoff.

A knight can fight. As you well know, I fight about as well as a pillow.""That's an insult to pillows. At least they can take a beating.

The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style.

Also not the kind of place to hide a server.""Is that another pun?" She asked."No! I swear! I didn't mean that one."~Shell Game, Kingdom Keepers #5

This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my life will be sour grapes and ashes without you.

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process?

My first kiss as a single woman. It sent a tingle sprinting down my spine like a tingle panther.

Duke to Michel: I’m fairly certain that even ifyou’d struggle in a quiz against a pigeon, you are capable enough of opening doors.

I ought to warn you, dear, he can get rather wild when he’s hungry

There goes the world's wimpiest vampire.

Humor can give you the edge you are looking for.

Why, yes. I am a strange wonder. The most special of snowflakes! Born out of time, forever running to catch up to it!

Solutions sometimes present themselves after a reset.

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity.

Time travel is awesome....And useful. That sentence had a typo when I typed it...The first time.

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

Not everything needed to be processed. Some things needed to be ignored and slept on.

Chance likes to ride in back, standing up at red lights and pounding on the roof in (what he insists is) Morse code. We won't mention that to Dad.

He was king, if he didn’t have enemies he wasn’t doing it right.

Christ, seven years of college, down the drain.

And by the way, I know my title said “10 Reasons” and I only listed “6”. I didn’t learn to count in college.

Think I have made a terrible mistake going to college. Have decided to become a shepherd and spend my days tending to flocks of goats

..."There’s really no way I can explain it to her without *still* sounding like scum, " I complained to Sinter."The 'sympathy shack-up' doesn’t score many points, " he agreed.*

PREFACE PROBLEM: Nobody reads prefaces.SOLUTION: Call the preface Chapter 1.NEW PROBLEM CREATED BY SOLUTION: Chapter 1 is boring.RESOLUTION: Throw away Chapter 1 and call Chapter 2 Chapter 1.

There should be a device which can detect when the person is getting angry and should not let that person speak till he/she calms down. This will solve so many problems.

I didn’t think it was possible — but this situation has managed to get worse.” “But you’re so calm, ” she observed.“That’s usually when you can tell everything has gone to shit.

The hardest thing about talking to teenagers, I had discovered, was that whatever you said inevitably came across like something an elderly aunt would say at a wedding.

Fiction is the poor persons travel agent.

I think we should wean Grandma.

They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!

Sometimes I think I'm an alien that accidentally fell off the mother ship, destined to wander among clueless earthling parents for all eternity.

It’s not an ordinary cash wash, Jake, ” Jean smiled. “C’est très spécial... et il a un secret!”“I understood special and secret, ” Jake said. “That’s about it.

I hated puberty. It had been that horrible stage from child hood, to pre teen, and my stage from ugly, to ugly with menstrual cramps.

To the attention of the New Fiddleham Police Department: You've got my middle-C, and I would like it back....Please return Jackaby's tuning fork. He's getting even more obnoxious than usual.

When I envied a man's spurs then they were indeed worth coveting.

The TV shouted an old black-and-white film he didn't recognize, wheelchairs facing it like church pews.

I've never seen Star Wars or The Godfather, so that would be a good excuse for us to spend a bunch of time together.

That's your mom, right?" Pathik smiled. "She looks nicer than she did when she was dragging you away the other night.

I'm a mother, " said her mother, in her foodless flat where the dust did not dare to settle, "and I know what I know.

My mother was either telepathic or she had secret cameras in my apartment, and I hoped for the latter.