Humor Quotes

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

...do you have someone you can stay with? Hell, stay with your mother. The Pentagon doesn’t have the security system she’s g

Never underestimate the fury of an angry mother, Caspar. They're the most vicious creatures in the world.

Taking a dump...blackout

Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if only because there was nowhere left to run.

3) Saturday night is the official meeting night of Penny Lane's Lonely Hearts Club. Attendance is mandatory. Exceptions are for family emergencies and bad hair days only.

I stepped forward as commanded, wondering which of the many rules I had broken now.

I hate when I break my own rules. What’s the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown?

[Will Turner] "You didn't beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement."[Captain Jack Sparrow] "...that's not much incentive for me to fight fair then is it?

One of my father's RULES FOR LIFE was to marry a woman who was smarter than you. "I did this, " he would say to me, "and you should do it, too. I say, why do all the thinking?

He set the suitcases in the back then tossed her the keys. "You drive."She repressed a smile as she climbed behind the wheel. "With each passing day, your reasons for wanting a wife become clearer.

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.

I know you're the only pistol champion we have, but I'd rather they no see enough of you to hit. You're also the only wife I have...""You're so sweet.'"...at the moment.

Even God forgives stupidity. So many married people, heaven would be a ghost town otherwise.

What kind of husband would I be if I bet against my own marriage?'I smiled. 'The stupid kind. Didn't you listen to your dad when he told you not to bet against me?

I am definitely going to take a course on time management... just as soon as I can work it into my schedule.

There’s never enough time for all the naps you want.

Turns out all it takes to bring enemies to peace is a bigger enemy.

The Kerguelen Islands in the southern Indian Ocean are a six-day boat ride from Madagascar, and their only inhabitants are French scientists.

When it comes to scary business, I believe that forewarned is forearmed.

In the Middle Ages, bloodletting was often performed by barbers, which is why the traditional barber’s pole—like the bloody towels that once hung outside barber shops—is colored red and white.

all fiction is better with explosions' said Jared. 'Basic fact of life.

When you meet familiarity which demeans true integrity, run away!

I'd seriously contemplated a real collar - a sparkly green one - if only because I was sure it would offend his dignity.

I'm not obliged to defend your dignity. Provided you have any.

My mind ran over everything that had happened lately, and running on such thoughts made even my feet hurt.

It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late

At the departure gate, a drunken airport security woman was handing out box cutters to the passengers.

I hate to read books but a friend said he read the dictionary and that the Zebra did it.

Death is, in fact, oddly pleasant, and certainly an improvement on what comes immediately before it.

McKenzie was Caroline's primary wingman. They had matching Coach bags to prove it.

We need a politician who hates politics.

if lying would be a crime, we would all be in jail right now

People who wear G-strings suffer from indecision.

I hate that question, “Are you okay?” It’s like asking someone if they think you look fat. You’re almost guaranteed to get a lie.

I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers

You've already said you were going to kill me, " Alex said, "but I didn't think that meant you were going to bore me to death.

He exhaled in disgust. “High school is boredom punctuated by humiliation.

And besides, I couldn't stay at the party. It was too dangerous. I nearly died.""From what?""Boredom.

Moderation is the key to old age and the doorway to boredom

Henry Jones: I didn't know you could fly a plane!Indiana Jones: Fly -- yes, land -- no.

I made that up. You know Marcus. He got lost once in his own museum.

Does anyone here speak English? Or even Ancient Greek?— A very lost Marcus Brody

I always find that if I sit down, a solution presents itself!

Anytime I button my coat, I'm packed.

I rein myself in. I’m already breaking up with the guy. I don’t have to ruin his favorite movie.

A friendliness, as of dwarfs shaking hands, was in the air...

Just bear a passing resemblance to a fictional romantic trope I like and I will love you forever. We're all just trying to find the Mark Darcy of our workplace, aren't we?

Said Buddha to the hot dog vendor, "make me one with everything.

Oh-my-Father-and-oh-the-delight-of-my-eyes, " began the young man, muttering the words very quickly and sulkily and not at all as if the Tisroc were the delight of his eyes.