Humor Quotes

A camera is just like a woman, as long as you have one of them hanging around your neck....life is just fine

Are you the stuff that hero's are made of? Or are you a jellyfish in a skirt?

You challenged me from the very beginning and I tried to resist you, but I knew even then that I wasn't going to walk away without you by my side.

People hide the truth to protect those they love!

I could use you—if you pass the tests, of course. There are three of them. You have passed the first.""What are the other—" Hrun paused, his lips moved soundlessly and then he hazarded, "two?

Then the glow grew brighter: a holographic golden sickle with a few sheaves of wheat, rotating just above Meg McCaffrey.A boy in the crowd gasped. "She's a communist!

I really should be studying now, but you're much more important to me than a .50 calibre machine gun.

Everybody needs a career manager."- Lady Macbeth

to pee or not to pee that is the question

Here comes a pair of very strange beast, which in all tongues are called "fools".

Hark, ” he said, his tone very dry. “What stone through yonder window breaks?”Kami yelled up at him, “It is the east, and Juliet is a jerk!

One day, I want enough money to be at the center of a corruption scandal.

Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.

Batman: What have I told you about trusting dangerous and obsessive criminal geniuses?Wonder Woman: To be fair, you tend to warn everyone about everything.Batman: Point.

Civilization is held together by duct tape and spit, and I'm worried about the duct tape.

Let's worry like mad. Shall we start on a worldwide basis and work down to ourselves, or start with ourselves and spread?""I'm going to do me-and-Peter and that dead

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

I've got just as much luck with locks as I do hearts. In other words, no luck at all.

Luck is my middle name, " said Rincewind, indistinctly. "Mind you, my first name is Bad.

So nobody got time for people who aren't worth your time.

It's all about money, not freedom. You think you're free? Try going somewhere without money.

People were meant to be loved, Things were meant to be used, the world is in trouble for many use people, and love things. Let get it right folks.

Any fool can start a religion. And many do.

A lot of the world seems to repeat itself

Amusement, even ironic amusement, is the beginning of sincere appreciation, as any lapsed hipster knows.

Our listeners asked us:"What is chaos?"We're answering:"We do not comment on economic policy.

Perfect, just what I need this morning, another episode in battle of the wits.

Books are more to treasure than cars.

Awesome . . .” Jared spoke up from the other side of the room. “Ember, the Otherworld's wonder mutt.

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen

You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.

Baz arched an elegant brow. "Are you going to snog the Humdrum-is that your plan? Because he's eleven. And he looks just like you. That's both vain and deviant, Snow, even for you.

I can tell from the glint in her eyes that she’s at least an acquaintance of Dorothy.

I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food.

It is so dam difficult to be simple.

Hate people on an individual basis only - you must actually get to know someone at least slightly before you can properly hate him or her.

'Not drinking?' Collin asked coolly. 'I only drink the blood of virgins, ' Logan quipped. 'You must be dehydrated then.' A slow smile spread over Logan's face. 'A sense of humor... rare in a Templar.'

The first domesticated animal was the scapegoat.

If your life was complete, you'd be dead.

Two puzzles that cannot be solved:The miracle of birth and misery of death.

Things stayed peaceful in there, even as the crashing vehicles and the cries of the injured and dying reached a crescendo outside. "I fry mine in butter!" indeed.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

some smart alecs of those days after World War I used to say: "The French fought for liberty, the British fought to control the seas, but the Americans fought for souvenirs.

No really I'm pretty sure voting mattered a scant 15 years ago but now it's just a way to see how many old people live in your neighborhood.

Excerpt:Here are some thoughts from Charlene the Star:“I’ll bet that’s why Mama put the word “Star” in myname. I have a feeling I’m going to be a star as a jumper.

Oooh...Aunt Chelsea called Jake the D-word!"Rory's voice carries into the kitchen. "Dipshit?""No.""Dumbass?""No.""Douchebag?""What's a douchebag?""Rory!" Chelsea and I yell at exactly the same time.

everything is negotiable. everything.

When I was a wee little kid, " remarked Roic, watching over their shoulders, "there was a time I thought that any skinny old man I saw was my grandfather. It was pretty confusing.

The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her side.

Lollipop had been her nickname for me as long as I could remember. I asked her how she came up with the name, and she told me sometimes kids are sweet, and sometimes they just need a good lickin'.