Humor Quotes

It was deflating to realize how much my own family's quality of life might improve if I replaced myself with a Fundamentalist stay-at-home daughter.

Do close your mouth. You look like a cow that's being artificially inseminated.

Someday, I'm going to have to break some of your rules, Mom.""I know, " she said. "Try to do it behind my back, will you?¨You can bet on that, Mom.¨We both sat there and laughed.

The trouble with cousins, Lizabeth thought, was that they knew all about you, even your allergies.

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.

In a crooked mind even the right thing gets crooked.

My brain has a mind of its own.

I think I think, therefore I think I probably am.

My mind is like clay, but thank goodness God knows how to mold it!

I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

And when they dusted my mind for your fingerprints they found yours.

Philosophers, Poets and Fools have similar Consciousness

Thinking is good for your mind, but too much thinking leads to distraction.

It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down

I always have my reasons, even when I don't know what they are.

Life never goes according to plan. That's okay, because often our plans are much smaller than life intends. Probably EASIER, but smaller.

The people who must never have power are the humorless. To impossible certainties of rectitude they ally tedium and uniformity.

You've got some power, " Jakkin said. "One hug—and the lights go out!

I know the power of speech. I don't talk much.

If I have a spreadsheet that can, whatever, turn soup cans into gold, wouldn't I deserve an office?

Immortality is the new twenty!

Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn’t have tried to turn ya into a snake.

Do not pay attention to my cousins. Every family needs a couple idiots and we keep them around for entertainment.

A stóirín, ya are a handful of trouble, but I kind of like it.

He kissed the corner of her lips before whispering by her ear, “And that was just my hand, love.

He’s not wearing…” Charlotte began.“I know. He doesn’t, ” Lydia answered.

I was just teasing, " I say. "I myself don't like to eat plain butter, but hey, it's a free world.

One day, we will live in a world without salads. It is a dream I have.

If really god is there, then God created us.If really god is not there, then we created God(Our creativity).

Our parents are the coolest parents ever. No other generation went on from writing letters to their own parents to sending snapchats to their own kids.

Books make my world complete.

Simple minded people do things like gossip, lie, spread rumors, and cause troubles. But, I know you're more intelligent.

I watched you undress. Shame on you!

While the man is putting on it's shoes, the woman can buy dozens of high heels.

He has his head in the clouds. He must live in a skyscraper.

His boat sank. They were all on his side.

In his life there was only one woman. The other one.

They were all on his side. Hi boat sank.

Love is worth dying for, said the spermatozoid.

He’d reached that perilous stage of being drunk enough to think himself a good dancer… but was dangerously close in tipping over to the point where he’d act like an arse

Never let anyone use your toothbrush or your pen. -Author Wllm Worth

I don't eat food, I eat fat.

I’ve never quite understood why the knuckleheads of the planet so outnumber the rest of us.

The truth is, I feel myself being fascinated and repelled by her: She's both a mirror of myself and a door to part of this island that I'm not.

Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married.

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

Quotes are echos of voices transporting wisdom, humor, and love. Returning again to the human condition, fleeting once more as a dove.