Humor Quotes

They were steaming out of the station before Maia asked, 'Was it books in the trunk?''It was books, admitted Miss Minton.And Maia said, 'Good.

I do lend my books, but I have to be a bit selective because my marginalia are so incriminating.” --Alison Bechdel

Bookshop Customer: 'Who wrote the bible?'Customer's friend: 'Jesus.

If Fran Lebowitz and Ian Fleming had blessed the world with a love child it would have been author J. Fields Jr.

I've received two key pieces of advice in regard to my books. The first is, "You should lay off the f-bombs." The other is, "You should add more f-bombs.

I wish I had a dollar for every hour I've spent in the library, " he always says. I have to agree- we'd probably never have to worry about money again.

They both fell silent. For a while the only sound they could hear was the noise of books resting on shelves, which wasn’t really enough of a sound to distract them from the awkwardness of the moment.

I don't spend money on books. I write them myself.

He who knows all the answers, but none of the questions is like a large gobbling bird on Thanksgiving.

I’m a dot in the grand scheme of things. I don’t matter, not even to the other dots.

We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.

...as you know, I don't believe in fear, just an invention by men so they get all the money and good jobs...

I'm scared David""That's good, because there's lots to be afraid of

Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.

Even those who want to go to heaven would rather kill than be killed.

Some people are still alive only because they find being dead more boring than being alive.

If your arteries are good, eat more ice cream. If they are bad, drink more red wine. Proceed thusly.

Rats! It's rainy outside, And to be a good fellaInvite a smile so wideNobody needs umbrella!

You see, at young age I had known how bitter taste like and it all started with a cup of brewed coffee.

Consistency in your interest is the actual reason behind every success, and inconsistency is the major cause of failure

We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.

Just because you have baggage doesn't mean you have to lug it around.

Champions never sleep, the eternal spirit keep them alert and awake.

It is not over. Champions extend their limits and make things happen.

I don't imagine book elitists as my audience when writing. I dream about teachers, morticians and garbage men instead.

When did you first fall in love?""I think, I first fell in lovewhen I was in fifth gradewith this boy who kept his glass ruler in the sunlight and made rainbows on my desk with it.

Laughing at your pettiness probably works better than scolding yourself for it.

The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.

An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.

Get high on love, not drugs.

Perhaps the most hillarious yet true advice I ever gave on marriage is this one. Don't marry because of Love, marry because of food Love fades, beauty wanes but hungry doesn't

2. A heart broken by a girl can be repaired by another girl only.

I would die for you, my love—in old age.

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Love came, it saw, and it conquered me.

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

Men like to borrow kisses because they know they will have to pay them back.

If you blame gravity for falling in love, even God has the right to laugh at you.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend until love introduces her to her soulmate.

I opened my eyes to find a fuzzy face staring into mine. I laughed and scratched Boomer’s head. “Your dog is a pervert, he watched the whole thing.

With the world's fate resting on your shoulder - you're gonna need someone on your side.You can't do it by yourself any longer - you're gonna need someone on your side.

It's my job as best friend to make sure he's not a serial killer. Or an English major, not sure which one's worse.

Comamandering is not a word.It has letters, doesn't it? Sounds like a word to me.

I'm not that bad, ” he said. “I'm rich, popular. I have a sense of humor. I'm good looking, and not to mention I have a really big—

When I was little, my dad used to tell me, "Will, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose.

We must stop eating!' cried Toad as he ate another.