Humor Quotes

I challenge you to find a more innocuous sentence containing the words sperm, suction, swallow, and any homophone of seaman. And then call me up on the homophone and read it to me.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.

The scientific method is nothing more than a system of rules to keep us from lying to each other.

Oh! to shoot for the stars if feels right. Aim for my heart if it feels right.

The History Of The Universe In Three WordsCHAPTER ONEBang!CHAPTER TWOsssssCHAPTER THREEcrunch.THE END

Meteorites don’t fall on the Earth. They fall on the Sun and the Earth gets in the way.” - John W. Campbell

NASA spent millions of dollars inventing the ball-point pen so they could write in space. The Russians took a pencil.

The human digestive tract is like the Amtrak line from Seattle to Los Angeles: transit time is about thirty hours, and the scenery on the last leg is pretty monotonous.

Tell me what you eat and I will tell you who you are.

If after hearing my songs just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or perhaps to strike a loved one it will all have been worth the while.

With great power comes great dissipation.

Constipation ran Presley's life. Even his famous motto TCB— 'Taking Care of Business'— sounds like a reference to bathroom matters.

It's called the FATLOSE trail. FATLOSE stands for 'Fecal Administration To LOSE weight, ' an example of PLEASE— Pretty Lame Excuse for an Acronym, Scientists and Experimenters.

I'm convinced that Theoretical Physicist is just another way of saying BS Artist.

If no one ever deviated from currently accepted mainstream Science - we would still have the Flat Earth Society!

It's cloaked in cultural mumbo jumbo, but I assure you that it is very hard science.

Something but not nothing because nothing is an infinite possibility.

One day, scientists will overtake LIGHT and crash into the DARKNESS.

As a general rule, if anyone ever asks you to put stockings on a ninety-year old deceased Romanian woman with oedema, your answer should be no.

Turns out even NASA can't improve on duct tape.

Hoh, Boy!" Freddy snorted, slapping his palm to his forehead. "I hope you never donate your brain to science. It would set civilization back fifty years.

From an illustration in her "Animals of a Bygone Era": a Leptictidium, an extinct rabbit-like animal who left no descendants, says: "Too bad, because we were really cute.

But, I tell myself, Weight is just an artifact of gravity. If this were a jazz club on the moon, I would weigh less.

Humans should be permanently under development.

Observation: I can’t see a thing.Conclusion: Dinosaurs.

Centuries had passed since the dawn of science, yet men offer riches in the name of God.

If that king was unsuitable in his service and duty...then his place will never be vacant and a foot soldier will lead the way though he remains nameless

Geckos could caught by hand, but they could be found in the men's room.

Life is better with a partner.

if you have returned then either its a deception or its a dream...from now no nightmares onwards.

if you have returned in my life then either its a deception or its a dream...from now no nightmares onwards

Just because 2 billion people believe it, doesn't mean it's true.

We all know that scientific words need an obscure classical origin to make them sound impressvie to those who wouldn't know an idiopathic craniofacial erythema if it hit them in the face.

I said that I had heard curiosity could be harmful, in particular to cats

Everything is what it is because it got that way.

He fell in love with the way she fell in love with everything besides him.

A beautiful face like yours should be smiling. Why don't you smile?""I do smile. When something beautiful happens in a book, I can't help but smile.

If you still believe that aliens would travel hundreds of light years to carve temporary graffiti in our wheat, then your imagination is one of the seven wonders of the world, and should be bronzed.

Did I see them waving?' said Mrs Liberty'And particling, I shouldn't wonder' said the Alderman

Silver knives! Painful and sometimes deadly to all paranormals!''Tasey!' I counterd 'Hot pink and sparkly!

Will I have to use a dictionary to read your book?" asked Mrs. Dodypol. "It depends, " says I, "how much you used the dictionary before you read it.

CUSTOMER: If I were to, say... meet the love of my life in this bookshop, what section do you think they would be standing in?

Who made you Queen of Literacy? Go sit in your car!

Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.

Far be it from me to keep a woman from her book. That could become dangerous.

He wanted to tell her she'd have more room if she'd just get rid of her books, but he supposed that in her case, it would be like telling a mother she'd have more room if she threw out her children.

If the self-help books worked, it would be a shrinking industry not a growing one.

I'm an open book. But some of the pages are stuck together.

[A]s Agatha Swanburne once said, 'To be kept waiting is unfortunate, but to be kept waiting with nothing interesting to read is a tragedy of Greek proportions.

That's my point: if you own thirty or more books, or you are reading any book at this moment, you may protest all you want, but you were born on the wrong continent.