Humor Quotes

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you're trying to show respect.

Whoever said that money didn't buy happiness was a damn fool. A damn fool who'd never been poor.

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)

In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.

Some writers write to forget. Some forget to write.

I hear they make greeting cards now to thank your therapist... for NOTHING

There is a sort of mental treasonThat smothers dreams outside of reason

How easy it is for so many of us today to be undoubtedly full of information yet fully deprived of accurate information.

Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb.

I am not mean I am just sarcastically humorous

Were I but perfectly normal, I would just not be.

Remember, you are as dispensable as the most indispensable king of kings, the mighty lord of silly worldly men.

Do not believe in a god who is as silly, and meaner than you. For, that would surely be your higher-self, and your stupid alter-ego.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.

While you’re singing something romantic, I can’t get the lyrics to ‘Love and Marriage’ out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy.

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots.

A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.

The first step towards true enlightenment is to lighten up on yourself.

A kiss is the only thing you can throw at someone without being held criminally responsible.

You want a friend in this city? [Washington, DC.] Get a dog!

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

A sturdy hold, but I think there's something up with the material.

In the battle of DNAs, your DNA will always win against the DNA of your father.

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt.

Don’t know if it’s good or bad that a Google search on “Big Bang Theory” lists the sitcom before the origin of the Universe

Everything is possible in America, except the production of intelligence.

Angels are good not simply because they see bad as bad, but also because they see bad as corny.

Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again.

For her, marriage was a sweetened version of murder.

Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.

A lot of men tend to want "models"I tell men, unless they look like a model themselves, they can't expect to land one.

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.

AC/DC is very easy to miao along to!

The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.

It’s like a jolt of electricity, but worse.

If you have to explain your sense of humor, then you are performing for the wrong crowd.

DETOX your mind, body, AND your contact list.

Without a sense of humor, you don't have much sense at all.

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day.

As an author I'm in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I've found it again.

AWESOME things come to those who focus on the positive, recognize the blessings, find the humor and never give up!

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

It stands to reason that anyone who learns to live well will die well. The skills are the same: being present in the moment, and humble, and brave, and keeping a sense of humor. (361)

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Oh, precious losing streak, you're too cute for your own good. I try to laugh about itbut my face is made of wood.