Funny Quotes

I am in love, and the river is beginning to ice over. I’d better go drown myself before I freeze to death.

And all those things you listed right now, they’rethings Garrett and I do together. Dude, you don’t want me. You want me andGarrett.

someone like Grace. Someone exactly like Grace, with her Ted Bundy rantsand her calming presence and—hello, irony.

I broke up with her to avoid getting into a serious relationship with her, and now it

His eyes are a hazy swirl ofgray, like a thick mass of clouds gathering before an impending storm

Well, you know that old saying, “Keep your friends close and make out with your enemies.

Just because I'm insane doesn't mean I have to act all crazy.

I am not schizoid. A little manic-depressive, maybe.""'Know thyself.'" "We try, sir.

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required.

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it’s free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE.

I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

Truly competent Literary Detectives are as rare as truthful men, Mr. Tweed -- you can see her potential as clearly as I can. Frightened of someone stealing your thunder, perhaps?

Most people are idiots

We really need to find a cure for stupidity, and fast! I've heard it's contagious...No wonder why there's so many of them.

Yeah, Hera was definitely channelling her inner Wicked Witch of the West that day.

Here you are. Would you like some pickles?”“Pickles gives me the wind something awful.”“In that case—”“Oh, I wasn’t saying no, ” Mistress Weatherwax said, taking two large pickled cucumbers.

I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am!

People will laugh at anything, except their own moronic self.

This advice from a college freshman carrying a cane?""It's a walking stick, I'll have you know.""Same difference.""Hardly. It's fashion.

Yoga pants often answer questions I didn't ask.

How am I supposed to believe you when you're obviously carrying a fake monogram Gucci Bag?

The weather wouldn't settle down. It would rain cats and dogs, then stop, then drip awhile, then stop while it made up its mind what to do next.

It was the kind of storm that suggests the whole sky has swallowed a diuretic.

Eternity is not a super-abundance of time, but timelessness.

Well, clearly not. Goodness boss, just look at those filthy paws. I’ve never seen any fish carry paws like those. Usually they are cleaner.

Seriously, why was it tradition to stand when the bride came in? It blocked her from seeing her groom, who was the only reason she was there in the first place.

If one wishes to elicit a reaction from the elusive species known as 'reservus quietgirlius, ' one must poke.

I just finished running, and I look and smell like nothing very pleasant. Why, oh, why did he have to bump into me now?

No Tyson, the guy in the story did not attract the attention of a moose. Tyson is sad now.

He looked at the cash siting there "What's that for?" I made myself smile "A good time.

Didn’t expect to see you here, ” Jordan said.My eyes cut to Rachel, and I smiled sweetly. “Obviously. Hey, Rachel. Good to see you aga

You will stay with me. You will sleep here at my side and you will touch me. I am depressed but not when you stroke my chest.

Of course, Jules was not a wolf. She was an elephant. But Jules was a very young toy and she had never been to school to learn the difference.

Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.

I bet the very first piñata was surprised. “Oh, hey a party! Cool! What’s the occa— HEY, WHAT THE HELL, KID?

Well, " I ask, leaning over him, "do you wish to stay?""I do.""And why is that, Cole?" I say, tipping toward him so that our noses nearly brush."Well, " he says with a smile, "the weather's quite nice.

So you’re her brother?” says Lynn. “I guess we know who got the good genes.”I laugh at the expression on Caleb’s face, his mouth drawn into a slight pucker and his eyes wide.

Y are you called the cheese man?

You know, ” he says, voice still low.“I have had nothing but trouble since you walked into my life.” “I’d walk straight back out of it if only you’d let me.

The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing.

Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who's at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?

I trust you all slept well, ” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin.“Yes, we did, ” Kaden answered quickly.“I’m sorry to hear that.

I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords.

There was a profound silence, abruptly broken by an enormously loud rumble from George's stomach. Plaster didn't actually fall from the ceiling, but it was close.

The fact that you and I are acquaintances only interested and amused the ghosts further. Gossip bunch, really.

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

There is strong. There is Army Strong. And then there is Army Wife Strong.

Apparently officers are not ‘men’. Officers are ‘officers’.

She oozes the kind of over-confidence that only comes to people who wear deep red lipstick and sparkly tissue sarees in bright daylight.