Funny Quotes

Comedy is the kindly contemplation of the incongruous.

There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily.

It's the squares who know how to fly the fighter planes and operate the missiles and the bombs and work the M-16s. Liberals would still be fumbling with the federally mandated trigger locks.

A girl who is really pretty - whether she wraps herself in an abayah, a nun's habit, or the front hall rug - never wraps herself so that the world can't tell.

The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.

I arrived in the middle of a press conference - as boring a thing to sit through if you don't know the language as it is if you do.

The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.

It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation.

Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.

If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.

I don't watch much television. Yeah, that's pretty funny. I don't know where The Daily Show stand politically, do you?

[Al] Franken is left-wing and funny. He's a pretty good political humorist.

On Michael Moore TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny.

Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I'll take the money.

Long conversations with pals when neither you nor they have had a drink can be a test of palship.

Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.

It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill would shatter the fragile Soviet economy.

I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example - must have realized a nuclear war would be a hard thing to clean up after.

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.

This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans.

A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it.

Generally it's not a good idea to wear Banana Republic - type khaki journalist clothes in a war zone. You might look too much like something that's supposed to be shot, such as a journalist.

The day was warm and clear. Kids were playing soccer in the parking lots and women were sunning their babies and having their tea all over the lawns. The scene was entirely too cheery for journalism.

There was an austerely dignified award ceremony. By that I mean we had to buy our own drinks - in clear violation of the international journalists'code of truth, fairness and an open bar.

I'm here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures.

I'm a member of the working press; you'd think I'd know better than to listen to journalists.

Imagine having journalists in your own home and not even covering the furniture with plastic sheets first.

Size does matter. There's a lot of ways to make people feel good, but personally I think it does enhance things.

I've been fortunate - I haven't had too many auditions. I slept with the right people.

You don't want to have to be the man and the woman in the relationship. I always say you want a man who can fix the toilet.

If I could read a book, I'd definitely read one of yours.

It felt really good to kind of find my voice and say stuff, and to be funny, hopefully.

What do you have when you have an agent buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.

Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with.

If she kept wondering about how much of her life Bran engineered, she’d end up on a funny farm knitting caps for ducks.

Maybe pretty women were always funny but only now decided to go into comedy.

Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free.

Humor is important. If you're going to tell any sort of realistic story, you're going to have to have humor in it, because people are funny. Clever people especially.

So, deadpan I think just means not acknowledging for one second that you think that this is funny and clever.

It's frustrating sometimes for actors because you slam it out and you have a great time, you think it's funny, and then for whatever reason the movie doesn't come together.

If you play comedic scenes like they're really serious, then it's so much more funny than if you're going for a laugh.

Yeah, there were a few years in the early nineties where I really began to hate what was valued as funny and just sort of what was valued in stand-up, period.

Reading the script [Insane Farting Corpse], by page two or three, I felt that way. I thought, I'm in. It was so beautiful and insane and funny and I wanted to see it happen.

One of the many things I want to do is dig us out of that hole so that guys, in particular, can go: "Oh, yeah. Those people are really funny. I've seen that person. It's a woman. They are funny."

I have an inability to enjoy things, but that's why we're in comedy. If we were happy, we wouldn't be funny, I guess.

But Wall Street people are in fact very smart; they're funny, they're not company men who work their way up the chain.

Politicians... talk in generalities and lies, and I think they've caused all our grief. They're so awful, they're really funny. I hate thinking this because my dad loved politics.

Comedy, your funny bone, is formed in childhood.