Funny Quotes

At school I was very shy. I wasn't funny really.

My mum taught me always to see the funny side of things.

Outlandish lyrics sung by smiling people in perfect harmony. Has that edge of surprise...a little nuts and really funny.

People say Yogi (Berra) is a strange guy, and I've heard Yogi say some funny things. But he has a beautiful wife, he's rich, and he's famous. I don't see anything strange about that.

If I ever complain to an agent about anything, he always has a pained look on his face, like, "How can you be so ungrateful? Why, Mick, I just named my yacht after you!"

Nowadays, it is fashionable for agents to be out. When you call them, they're always "out." It's in, you see, to be out. If they're in, they're out. So, they're always out. That way, they'll be in.

Good painter imitates nature, bad ones spews it up.

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.

I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman."

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

I struggled with that notion early in my career. 'I know this is funny but nobody is laughing.' This thought occurred for years.

I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans.

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.

They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."

I like films that are so funny, dramatic and lifelike simultaneously, that you are laughing and cringing simultaneously all throughout the film.

I'm a compulsive everything.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

Karch inspired his partners, his opponents and the world of volleyball players to be better than they were, to be great... In the end, who could do more for a sport than that?

Stealing, you'll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it.

Resolve was never stronger than in the morning, after the night, when it was never weaker

My father was always a straight-up funny guy. He was silly. He was my inspiration.

My father was a very funny man, and one of my strongest recollections is hearing him laugh. He didn't like people who had no sense of humour.

Yes. The whole point about laughter is it's like mercury: you can't catch it, you can't catch what motivates it - that's why it's funny.

I think that certain things are funny and certain things are okay to make fun of - including myself.

I make myself laugh all the time. I think I'm really funny. I do.

Any man that has had a mother, has a sister, wants to be a father will find this [movie Bad Moms] incredibly eye opening and hysterical and funny.

Somebody, my daughter or my wife, gave me a music box for Christmas. It plays "My Funny Valentine" on celeste, you know? So I had Bobby [Irving] just play "Jean Pierre" with the changes on celeste.

I like girls who are cute and naturally funny. As long as they are not too high-maintenance, then we're good.

Being me is funny. I've made this weird character, and I think it's really funny.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".

I have crushes on celebrities or people I meet or see in the coffee shop, and every day I fall in love with three people simply because they said one funny thing or appeared to me in a certain way.

Why didn’t you talk about whether women are funny or not? I just felt that by commenting on that in any real way, it would be tacit approval of it as a legitimate debate, which it isn’t.

People don't want to listen to a celebrity tweeting about their charities and shows. That's why comedy writers do well - we put out little funny ideas.

My dad is funny in his own way, and so is my brother, but in terms of legitimately making a lot of people laugh, that's my mom. I inherit my sense of comedy from her.

I've seen all the Judd Apatow movies, and I'd love to have a really funny little part in one of them some day.

Whenever I mention Greg Kinnear's name to anyone, they always say, "Oh, love him!" He's a really terrific actor, and very funny.

I haven't been offered a lot of comedy. In theater, I've done quite a bit of comedy or dramas that included a lot of funny stuff. But in my TV work, those aren't the roles that I've been offered.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!