The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

Fear not! In life, problems are there to make you stronger.

When someone loves you, they always think you're beautiful. Those who don't see your beauty can't really see you at all.

All possibilities I will attemptAnd as I am here now, Knowing what I know now, I have faith in myselfThat I will succeedAnd I will succeed.And I will succeed.

The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not.

There's no map there's no master plan there's just people.

Aren't I lucky, to have survived so much bad luck.

Property does not exist because there are laws, but laws exist because there is property.

The monolithic view that many Americans have of Pakistani culture is as inaccurate as the monolithic view that many Pakistanis have of American culture.

I didn't leave the Congress; I was expelled.

A prudent man should neglect no circumstances.