Funny Quotes
Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.
She had put on make-up in a colour scheme that indicated she might be colourblind.
She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.
I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish.
Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.
Lawyers were notorious for finding cases in the most unlikely places, especially ones with huge potential damagers awards.
It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something.
America pays defense contractors to build aircraft carriers. Google pays brilliant programmers to do whatever the hell they want.
Are there any other missing persons living under your roof? Elvis? Jimmy Hoffa? Amelia Earhart? I'd just like full disclosure now, before we go any further.
A teacher had once told them that men were either beasts, gentlemen, or beasts masquerading as gentlemen. Might there be a fourth category — gentlemen masquerading as beasts?
The Rusty Ruins were the remains of an old city, a hulking reminder of back when there'd been way too many people, and everyone was incredibly stupid. And ugly.
Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players.
The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic.
The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don't have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn't resemble art in any way.
After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn't be enough to go around.
I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.
Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?
If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.
Dean: Don't you find that somewhat of an aberration? Doesn't this disturb you my dear? After all, it's not normal. Molly: I know it's not normal for people in this world to be happy, and I'm happy.
Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense.
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers." She slapped my back. "Welcome to high school.
Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy’s lap was already creepy enough. We didn’t need to mix alcohol into it.
I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?
I held a nail in place and slammed it with the hammer. Best. Chore. Ever.
But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat.
The only activity a cynic will find contagious is yawning, that is, with other people, at other people.
... an artist should paint from the heart, and not always what people expect. Predictability often leads to the dullest work, in my opinion, and we have been bored stiff long enough I think.
She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible.
He will not let you come barging in to his world like the proverbial bull in the china shop.
Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.
Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.
I thank God daily for the good fortune of my birth, for I am certain I would have made a miserable peasant.
Why had his mother gone to the trouble of bringing him into the world if the most exciting moment in his life was having been made lame by a bayonet?
Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of 'Stagefright Sympathy Sickness'.
Dont talk to the crazy kids. I longed to shout back that we weren't crazy. I'd mistaken her kid for a ghost, that's all.
I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin
Supplementing the far, remote Glory-of-God expression in his face, the glory-of-doughnuts shone suddenly very warmly.
