Funny Quotes

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.

Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we'll kill everything.

Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.

It was unbelievable. She was standing there, staring at him like he was a real rock star.

It was because a great-looking man with no apparent mental defects found her attractive. Imagine feeling so buoyant over something so juvenile.

A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.

June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them.

We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive.

Don't cross me Scooby-Doo. I'm not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids.

My tiny scary friend is coming

Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works.

That's so cute! They have birdbaths in the church!

I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

People keep asking "Jacob or Edward?" when the really important question is "Diamond Dave or Sammy?

Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.

I don't have a master. I'm not sure if I have an equal.

I know because I read. Might I suggest you try it?

Travis: The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other’s clothes and throwing lipstick and jewellery. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was when I started.

Sheep hurt my father, and through my father, sheep have also hurt me.

..when the first rubber ball smacked her in the head and made her brains rattle in her skull, she knew that something about this dodgeball game was different

I can’t chitchat and make breakfast at the same time. You could help, you know, instead of standing there like the Queen of England. Although you’re a lot better-looking.

Don't go there Rule" Lawe warned him softly. " I don't think your horoscope declared today to be a good day to die.

I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs.

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.

You know, there are just some things you never expect to face even on this job. A flying primate that shoots fire out its nose is one of them.

I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you'd realized that by now.

Jev stroked his chin. "Do I look like a summer fling?

I've always been led to believe that the ultimate goal for an author is the movie deal. Now I understand that the movie deal is merely a MEANS TO A MUCH HIGHER END: NAIL POLISH.

No guest rooms.” I shake my head resolutely. “I want to be in a room room. A lived-in room.

Finding the book was like kissing a lightning bolt.

When I said it aloud, it sounded terribly creepy, which is why I had said it aloud.

Being fed, and having a soft bed, and other people being in charge, seemed the most wonderful prospect in the world at that moment.

He's quite extraordinary with his moves and spins. I think he was a baton girl in a past life [on his co-star Hayden Christensen].

Great minds think alike-especially when they are female.

You think he left a big flashing arrow pointing to a filing cabinet labeled 'Evidence Here!'? He's a Stray, Ethan, not Wile E. Coyote!

New Yorkers, I figured, just pretended to be unfriendly.

Just at present you only see the tree by the light of the lamp. I wonder when you would ever see the lamp by the light of the tree.

STYLE IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE IT IS HOW YOUDO NOT WRITE LIKE ANYONE ELSE

Are imperfections is which make we grate.

Let me get this straight. I can't take the vampire with me because if I remove the stake, he can kill us all. Now I can't take the girl because she's what? some kind of ninja witch?

You couldn't be romantic if your life depended on it." "You know what's lucky? Most bad guys don't ask you to be romantic on command, so that probably won't matter.

What was worse, he couldn't tell her how much he thought he maybe might kinda sorta love her.

Otulissa swelled up to twice her normal size. 'Well, SPRINK ON YOUR SPRONK!

Nothing says "deeply in mourning" like canapés and free beer.

Playboy stretched his arm, patting Carlos on the back. "Well, you know what they say: If you love someone, let'em go. If they don't come back, hunt'em down and kill'em!

Whatever my ancestors did to you, none of them consulted me.

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns.