Comedy Quotes

My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm you were the quickest.

I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.

My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.

she: Before we got married you told me you were well-off. he: I was and I didn't know it.

Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

Never follow the crowd....Until and unless you're crossing the road...

She's better than Netflix.

I laugh because your pain is amusing.

Being a pumpkinhead is great.""Your HEAD is a PUMPKIN.

hornier than a bunny on ecstasy

Agatha: "If you say anything smug or stuck-up or shallow, I'll have Reaper follow you home."Sophie: "But then I can't talk!

But at the time I thought that if I could just get the world to see me the way I saw myself then my body wouldn't be the thing you walked away thinking about. I wouldn't be that fat girl.

It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________, ” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).

I am always acting, be at a party, at work or in office. My attitude changes from meeting to meeting, from being serious to intense to funny, depending on who is in the room.

I got to work with Rachel Dratch, and she just had such a funny, roll-with-it attitude when she would approach the stage and could turn anything into a gem.

I've got a sense of humor. I'm a funny guy.

There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny.

Humor, for me, is really a gate of departure. It's a way of enticing a reader into a poem so that less funny things can take place later. It really is not an end in itself, but a means to an end.

I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not funny.

I think it's important to find humor anywhere you can. In real life, with the darkest, scariest, most intense moments, if you can find something funny, that's good.

I do find things funny. When you see life through the eyes of someone with a good sense of humor, which my grandmother did, life is a human comedy.

My mother was very funny. My dad had a great sense of humor. My grandmother, too.

I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared.

People often think that you have a sense of humor because you think that life is funny. Life isn't funny at all. It's appalling and tragic.

My family is pretty funny. My mother is British, so she's got a very dry sense of humor. That's where I got that from.

Twitter is the place where I try to be more funny. And then I use Instagram just as my diary. I pull some jokes on there, but I think people have a better sense of humor on Twitter.

Let's not call physical comedy falling down and pratfalls. All humor is physical, no matter how you dish it out. It's timing, like a dancer or an athlete would have.

I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend you're not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture.

My paintings capture the humor, zaniness, and depth of the Batman villains as well as the Freudian motivations of Batman as an all-too-human, venerable, and funny vigilante superhero.

I think the main thing about comedy and humor is that it's impossible and always was impossible to define.

I don't know if I realized that I was funny, but I realized how healing and important humor was in my childhood.

Sure, I am funny and have a good sense of humor. Mostly, though, I just tell the truth. The internal dialogue people have in their heads - I just write it.

I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny.

Most of the people in my family were pretty funny. Everyone had a good sense of humor. I came to California right after college, wanting to be a musician.

I like Strahan a lot. I've known him for years. He was a Giant here - in many ways. Had a big following with the New York Giants. He's very funny. He's got a great sense of humor.

I've worked a lot in comedy. As much as I love playing dramatic roles, it's always nice to be able to have some humor around when working.

My dad was a very funny man - he's the one who taught me life would be awfully hard without humor! I'm sure his Irish wit in some way influenced my decision to become an actress.

Writing humor for me is more like a watchful-ness. You have to watch. When you say something funny, or someone else does, it's more like you wait for the piece.

Funny songs aren't usually that good. Like Weird Al and maybe a couple of Beatles songs, but it's kind of hard to bring humor into rock music in an interesting way.

You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor.

If it gets laughs, it's funny.

However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be.

I don't really dissect comedy. Nothing kills off humor more than overanalyzing it.

Comedy was my sport. It taught me how to roll with the punches. Failure is the exact same as success when it comes to comedy because it just keeps coming. It never stops.

Pure unadulterated success is not as funny as failure.

I love mankind it's people I can't stand.

It's so different when you change your hair color, you're treated so differently. It's a very funny experience. It's fun - I love changing up my hair.

I used to love being the class clown. I loved to make jokes and make people laugh. There was a set of students who would find it funny. But the cool students were like, 'Eeew!'

I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it.