Comedy Quotes

Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if only because there was nowhere left to run.

I hate when I break my own rules. What’s the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown?

Honor is kind of what you get when you weaponize manners ...

If you want to live a life free of regret, there is an option open to you. It’s called a lobotomy.

Only dead fishes go with the flow.. I guess that make me a dead fish!

We're dying of boredom, Corporal, that's the problem.' [Blend] 'If boredom was fatal there wouldn't be a soldier alive on this whole world, Blend.' [Picker]

But a movie doesn't have to be good if it has Hugh Jackman.

Hyperbolic statements will be the death of us all

Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile.

I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman.

Ear demons are totally real, " Cody said. "They're what make microphones like these ones work. They're also what tell you to eat the last slice of pie when you know Tia wanted it.

You're impossible, " she told him. "Of course I am, " he answered. "It's part of my charm.

Nevermind nomenclatures, boy! What a serendipitous situation this is!

Please don't arrest me.""Listen to me, I'm not going to arrest you, ok? I'm not a cop.""Are you sure?""Am I sure I'm not a cop? yes, I'm sure.""You could be undercover.

You promise?""I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now.

The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience.

What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our

He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent.

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

Thomas was sick of being accused of knowing things.

Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink.

The point of the list wasn't just to tick items off and forget about them, it was to learn something new.

I had heard of offices feeling like prisons, but in this case our prison felt, rather anticlimactically, like an office.

Mr Moss's courtyard is railed in like a cage, lest the gentlemen who are boarding with him should take a fancy to escape from his hospitality.

Are you a terrorist? Or just an idiot?

I see that even as the world plunges into darkness and peril, you two stand around discussing your love lives. Teenagers.

Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls.

I am who I am and I am who I was, and I am who I will always be!

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I ain't afraid of no leaves.

If you fall, I'll be the there

lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes.

I don't believe in God, don't believe in the devil. Unless you want to count my mother. She might be Satan's sister, I suppose.

Beware of finding what you're lookin

I know my rights.""And I know you're wrong.

For a woman to be taken as seriously as a man she must be three times as effective. Happily, this is not difficult.--Simone de Beauvoir

Could he actually be a decent guy?Hard to imagine.He was pretty to look at, though, she thought. Boys weren't objectified nearly enough, and turnabout is always fair play.

I never thought it was fair that anatomy decided what my brain was fit for.

Miniature Emilie came along. Lincoln could tell she was watching him, but he tried not to encourage her. He didn't want to betray Beth. They wouldn't let you ride Splash Mountain, he thought.

Once a sarriyal, always a sarriyal, she thought.

Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you’re done. —T-SHIRT

Hmmm... that's interesting.""What?""There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we've become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

Sqwaak!" from Fletcher, the environmental crime fighting parrot in The Big Belch graphic novel by Kay Wood.

[Ella] “Again, I ask, whose side are you on?”[Lola] “The side that has the least Dorito-flavored vomit on the floor after the party.

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson"Oh, that's just a suggestion.

I'm the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I'll pull the underwear clean off your butt.

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

Impersonating a quiet, gentle librarian like Barbara Gordon--You deserve to be taken out of circulation!

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.