Comedy Quotes

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones.

I didn't wait for Luck. I raced after it with a truck.

I didn't wait for Luck. I tore after it with a truck.

Fun and killing ain’t synonyms to regular folks, Zeus.”.

By doing ordinary actions efficiently you will become the best among ordinary, but you will not be an extraordinary.

Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, stars. Goodnight planets, comets and... Mars. Yes, even you, Mars. And not only for the sake of the rhyme.

A ham sandwich is better than nothing. Nothing is better than eternal happiness. So eternal happiness is beaten by a ham sandwich.

I was not born with English in my pocket.

I should think a dead language would be rather boring, sociallyspeaking.

Spanish—how shall I say this?—is likePortuguese spoken with a speech impediment.

Let us go forth and unconquer the world!

We are the generation of Social Media, Our biggest Revolution is a Tweet of 141 Characters.

People say that they want to kill me. All I say is "I'm sorry but your appointment doesn't start until another hour, please sit in the waiting room.

It’s like they were worried that I’d be alone all day brooding and painting my cabin black or something—sheesh.

I'm losing weight, you notice, Pop?

If that was the last event of the night, it would have made a terrible ending. It was just the beginning, though.

Knives are sharp, but are equally confusing.

Of course I do, Jack! You have to beLIEve me!

I love to laugh. Specially at myself. Sometimes I spend hours doing it.

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.

In the Catskills, nostalgia runs backwards. The upwardly mobile Jewish masses of the 1950s and 1960s have been replaced by the Jews of 19th century Poland.

Those who pretend as if they don't love you, are the ones who would hate to see you love another person.

When did you grow a back bone?" Cassius stopped pacing and actually smiled a little.Kendall wasn't appeased "I borrowed Jory's

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert

You gonna do somethin'? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed?

You cannot expect a man to love you, but not because of your body or physical construction. It is like giving a man the option between choosing you and a monkey.

A man should be more original than a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates. Flowers die and sugar sticks to your hips like a permanent record to a criminal.

Wasn't it what her father always warned her about? Don't jump off a bridge because a cute guy tells you to?

For what religion has never had sects? Rest assured, Extremism is always the derrière.

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

All lines are gray in the dark.

I once took a poo in the woods while hunched over like an animal. It was AWESOME.

I'm so careless that now i don't even care if i cared for you.

You will have relatively less problems to solve, if you don't confuse problems with inconveniences.

I decided to do the easy task of changing situations and conditions by being a hero, than staying back to do the difficult task of changing people by being just a man.

Memories make you sentimental, experiences make you smart.

I agree that sometimes it is difficult to choose between right and wrong, but not between right and stupid.

Remember, crowd doesn't care about common sense.

Majority wins, but majority is not necessarily right and sometimes majority is awfully wrong.

Growing age can kill the beauty, not the style.

I'd rather be ignored as a frog than eaten as a human.

My breath catches in my throat as a chill makes me shiver, leaving gooseflesh in its wake. My eyes latch on to his, pleading with him to kiss me.

All women may not be beautiful but every woman can look beautiful.

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.

If teams had to name themselves honestly, they’d all be the Pimple-Faced Teenagers.

The truth is like sunlight: It causes cancer.

I'm lucky I'm a comedian, 'cause otherwise my life would just be a series of undocumented low points.

Knowledge is a rope, and you're weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy.

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.