Comedy Quotes

Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet!

Meeting a vampire is kind of like a celebrity sighting, but where the celebrity possibly wants to kill you.

Trust me, there are things in this mountain that will make your jaw bounce off the floor.

There are 3 reasons for why you can't beat me. First, I'm better looking than you are. Second, your blows are too light. And third, there's nothing in the world I can't tear up.

Look, kid, ” he said, “you don’t spend a lifetime in comedy without learning a thing or two about evil.

You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right?

There's a big difference between want and need, " she muttered to herself, picking her pad and pen back up. "I mean I want a bikini body, but I need chicken nuggets.

You should seriously get a job planning dates for The Bachelor.

I thank God every day for bringing you into my life. I know I don't deserve you, but I'm a better man because of you.

I am always doing what I thought I couldn't do, because I might learn something. Henri Marcel - Marriage a Journey and A Dog

Is there a reason why you’re standing there, staring out the window and watching the neighbors? Are we preparing to kill them and drag them down to the basement and bury them alive?

Moving on was going to require leaving the woods and getting a friend set that didn’t have gray hairs, hip replacements and a few false teeth.

I can walk... see."I made my legs walk."What are you doing?""Vertical walkin'."Alec laughed. "Pitch Perfect?""Amazin' film.

Oh, so your middle finger has a mind of its own then?" Alex asked with an amused look.I glared at him and said, "Yeah, and she was just sticking up for me

I pulled back and stared up into his eyes. "You're gettin' very deep on me."Alec's hands gripped my behind. "I'll be getting very deep in you if you keep looking at me like that

With his blond hair, broad shoulders, and perpetual tan, Bryce looked like a California underwear model. Not that I’d thought about him in his underwear.Much.

Whatever you say, sweetheart.” He sent her a wink, a devilish one, the same one he no doubt used to sear the panties off his dates.

She came out of nowhere like a two-by-four against the skull, knocking all common sense out of him and turning him into a walking woody.

Claire, if you don’t move, I will have served two tours of duty only to die in this bed.

I held it together for the rest of the drive home but as soon as Kelsey dropped me off I flopped face down on the couch and sobbed like a reality TV star on confessional day.

If one is going to spend her afternoon singing hymns to the great porcelain goddess, she might as well do it in a really plush ladies room. Stupid fear of public speaking.

What are you thinking?” I ask.“That I wish this was my home, too.” I have nothing to say to this, so I kiss him instead.

This was my love, her love --torn, damaged, broken, ripped apart and put back together. This was our tattered love.

I would praise the Lord above for a ticket to that ride.

Scarlett Garcia fell at the feet of no gloriously delicious man!

I mean, I don’t want to pass judgment—I just wish my husband didn’t shoot deer.”“Oh, Mel, don’t worry. I’ve been hunting with your husband—the deer are completely safe.

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip.

You dance?”“I think that might be overly optimistic, ” he said. “I do something. I’ll try not to hurt you.

A million possible endearments ran through his head. But he said, “Help.

Isn’t he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour?

He’d never been shy, but he’d always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn’t believe they liked him.

Kitty waved her free hand to show that she was ok, although she was very tempted to stand over one of Adam’s window-washing puddles and pretend her waters had broken just to see what he would do.

Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see.

What your mind sees when you close your eyes marks the entrance to an endless universe: your imagination.

Your tills are talking to me and want me to take them home. Does this often happen?

Your fortune teller cursed me. Foul spirits haunt every supermarket I go to. I can't show my face in Morrisons.

That's scary, all the time to be afraid Wreck 2015 (Film, you should check it out).

...seeing the way his trousers clung to those most English parts.

I have a present for you.” He raised his eye brows. “I don’t like your surprises.” “You’ll like this one. Close your eyes.

Velva’s face glowed in the streetlight. “Sir Sun, don’t you see? I am your violent violet. And you are mine.

I snipped the cherries but left the banana.” She gave him a knowing look. “God, ” said Sir Sun. “No, not God. Me. I did it.” She pointed at herself.

Are we not all actors playing parts in another person's play?

Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It's just that you sounded so...twat-ish just then.

In the real world, babysitting is a groovy way for young people to learn responsibility (and earn a little pocket money). In the Terrorverse, it's a plot device used to kill teenagers.

Shall I compare thee to a Shoggoth?

Vomit and shit, even your own, stink.

Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: 'Who's the third?

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.