Mark Twain Quotes

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

The church is always trying to get other people to reform, it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little, by way of example

Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

If your only tool is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.

There is probably no pleasure equal to the pleasure of climbing a dangerous Alp; but it is a pleasure which is confined strictly to people who can find pleasure in it.

If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.

You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can't get them across, your ideas won't get you anywhere. Lee Iacocca Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

All men are ignorant, just on different subjects.

Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.

It is not worth while to try to keep history from repeating itself, for man's character will always make the preventing of the repetitions impossible.

Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.

When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble.

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.

Love is not a product of reasonings and statistics. It just comes-none knows whence-and cannot explain itself.

Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog.

Don't wake up a woman in love. Let her dream, so that she does not weep when she returns to her bitter reality

Use the right word, not its second cousin.

When in doubt tell the truth.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

The offspring of riches: Pride, vanity, ostentation, arrogance, tyranny

Our most valuable and most instructive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India.

Data is like garbage. You'd better know what you are going to do with it before you collect it.

Don't wait the time is never just right.

It is noble to teach oneself; it is still nobler to teach others.

Travel is lethal to prejudice.

Be good and you will be lonely.

The history of our race, and each individual’s experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal.

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

Strange is the man who practices his religion.

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.

True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion - several of them.

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.

There are only two types of speakers in the world. 1. The nervous and 2. Liars.

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.