Mark Twain Quotes

....try the mustard, - a man can't know what turnips are in perfection without mustard.

In God We Trust. I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true.

There is nothing so annoying as a good example!!

Definite speech means clarity of mind.

Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion.

To get the right word in the right place is a rare achievement.

It is a worthy thing to fight for one's freedom; it is another sight finer to fight for another man's.

Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.

There ain't no way to find out why a snorer can't hear himself snore.

Do something everyday that you don't want to do.

Marriage -- yes, it is the supreme felicity of life. I concede it. And it is also the supreme tragedy of life. The deeper the love the surer the tragedy. And the more disconsolating when it comes.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

It's easy to make friends, but hard to get rid of them.

If we learned to walk and talk the way we learn to read and write, everyone would limp and stutter.

God was left out of the Constitution, but was furnished a front seat in this nations currency. ("In God we Trust") is a lie, this nations trust has always been with the dollar.

So I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it but I couldnt find honest employment.

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

I am only human, although I regret it.

It may have happened, it may not have happened but it could have happened.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

A sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit to not having.

To someone with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

It isn't safe to sit in judgment upon another person's illusion when you are not on the inside. While you are thinking it is a dream, he may be knowing it is a planet.

Pessimism is only the name that men of weak nerve give to wisdom.

France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.

Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of.

It were not best that we should all think alike.

If we should deal out justice only, in this world, who would escape? No, it is better to be generous, and in the end more profitable, for it gains gratitude for us, and love.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

Experience, the only logic sure to convince a diseased imagination and restore it to rugged health.

Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.

I suppose, just as an honest man in politics shines more than he would elsewhere.

A dozen direct censures are easier to bear than one morganatic compliment.

Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

My parents were neither very poor nor conspicuously honest.

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.

I hope all of us may eventually be together in everlasting peace and bliss -- except the inventor of the #‎ telephone .

I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher.

What God lacks is convictions- stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something- not try to be everything.

When in doubt, tell the truth. That maxim I did invent, but never expected it to be applied to me. I did say, "When you are in doubt," but when I am in doubt myself I use more sagacity.

Do not offer a compliment and ask a favor at the same time. A compliment that is charged for is not valuable.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink - under any circumstances.

Ignorance is not, not knowing something. It is knowing what isn't so.

One gains at least two to three times more experience grabbing the tiger by the tail than reading about it in a book.

An uneasy conscience is a hair in the mouth.

I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

I deal with temptation by yielding to it.