Mark Twain Quotes

Comedy keeps the heart sweet.

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.

If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary

More than one cigar at a time is excessive smoking.

It is better to give than receive- especially advice.

The most permanent lessons in morals are those which come, not of book teaching, but of experience.

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

for business reasons, I must preserve the outward signs of sanity.

Anybody can have ideas-the difficulty is to express them without squandering a quire of paper on an idea that ought to be reduced to one glittering paragraph.

God cures and the doctor sends the bill.

great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

One is apt to overestimate beauty when it is rare

There is nothing training can't cannot do. Nothing is above its reach.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.

Be good and you'll be lonesome

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.

December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February.

The gods offer no rewards for intellect. There was never one yet that showed any interest in it.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke.

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do.

Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

It is discouraging to try to penetrate a mind like yours. You ought to get it out and dance on it. That would take some of the rigidity out of it.

The moral sense enables one to perceive morality, and avoid it. The immoral sense enables one to perceive immorality and enjoy it.

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next.

There is more real pleasure to be gotten out of a malicious act, where your heart is in it, than out of thirty acts of a nobler sort.

The human race consists of the damned and the ought-to-be damned.

If we learned to walk and talk the way we learn to read and write, everyone would limp and stutter.

It's easy to make friends, but hard to get rid of them.

A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.

Fortune knocks at every man's door once in a life.

So I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it but I couldnt find honest employment.

In God We Trust. I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true.

There is nothing so annoying as a good example!!

Definite speech means clarity of mind.

Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion.

To get the right word in the right place is a rare achievement.

It is a worthy thing to fight for one's freedom; it is another sight finer to fight for another man's.

There ain't no way to find out why a snorer can't hear himself snore.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Marriage -- yes, it is the supreme felicity of life. I concede it. And it is also the supreme tragedy of life. The deeper the love the surer the tragedy. And the more disconsolating when it comes.

Do something everyday that you don't want to do.