Jon Stewart Quotes
I focus on the task and try and do it as best we can. And we're constantly evolving it, because it's my way of trying to make sense of all these ambivalent feelings I have.
We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.
New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.
Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life. You will always be wanting the next song.
More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.
How far back to the elementary school core curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up?
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons.
War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country.
The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.
We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.
You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.
Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.
By working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there’s no guarantee... But you know what? The joy of it is chasing that dream.
But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them.
I think you lose your innocence when you have kids, because the world suddenly becomes a much more dangerous place.
We are, if anything - I do believe we function as a sort of editorial cartoon. That we are a digestive process, like so many other digestive processes that go on.
