Jim Quotes

I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.

Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"

I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.

I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

My comedy is romanticized laziness.

If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.

I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain "persona." Comedians write the way they're going to write.

I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.

I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done with a project. There are always sick people.

My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"

I was burned so many times that I stopped giving interviews. In other words, if my words ended up in print, they were twisted in an indescribable fashion.

To experience spiritual victory, you must depend on God's resources.

Today, its expensive prescription medications burdening seniors on fixed incomes with thousands of dollars in yearly out-of-pocket costs.

Comcast began their tradition of volunteer service in 1997 when Comcast employees and their families participated in the Philadelphia Cares Day.

Further, by acting decisively in Iraq, the United States has sent very strong signals to other nations that have been or could be terrorist sympathizers.

Without true medical liability reform, our doctors will continue to leave, and young doctors coming out of medical school $100,000 to $200,000 in debt will not be able to afford such onerous costs.

I thank God tonight for freedom - those who bought and paid for it with their lives in the past - those who will protect it in the present and defend it in the future.

Patenting and purchase of lands are absolutely vital to the health of Nevada's rural communities.

I don’t want to be a lonely governor.

I am humbled and grateful for the four years the people of the state of Nevada have given me as governor and I am proud of the work we all did.

God is just what happens when humanity is connected. Humanity connected is god. Each one of us is a creator but, together, we are THE creator.

Humanity connected is God.

You are not guilty of anything until you are charged and tried.

If the rules of creativity are the norm for a company, creative people will be the norm.

Consumers view of you is not about how they compare you to other banks. It's about how they compare you to all of the other businesses they experience.

Most of those who spend their lives as critics secretly wish they'd be considered important enough for someone to bother criticizing them.

I don't believe that human ethnic groups are equal, and I believe that's fairly easy to prove.

A primary flaw in my psychology is that I'll give people a hundred yards' worth of rope with which to hang themselves, but once they reach that hundred-yard line, I strangle them to death with it.

My crazy parents and those crazy Catholic nuns didn't do a good job of forcing me to keep the Ten Commandments, but they kept me forever fixated on the very idea of a taboo.

In contrast to how my father treated me, I won't hit him, I won't call him evil, I'll give him affection, and I'll pay attention to him.

It's not exactly courageous to be an anti-racist these days; a hundred years ago, it was.

When you're indiscriminate in allowing people to post, the loudest and emptiest voices invariably drown out everyone else.

One day scientists will more fully understand the chemistry and neuro-circuitry that differentiates love from lust. I couldn't begin to explain the mechanics, but I know that they feel differently.

Different groups in different areas developed different traits to assure their survival.

It was simultaneously refreshing and a bit shocking to see how cavalierly most Aussies toss out slurs and insults about nonwhites.

He who trades his identity for money will one day wind up with neither.

Hatespeak is usually more honest than lovespeak, and it's always better than doublespeak.

The idea that the reader is important enough to me that I'd tailor my words to either please or offend them always seems amusingly alien to me.

I'll hit anyone who's seriously threatening my life... that's what happened, and that's what sent me to prison.

I don't regret any of my transgressions, because I believe I paid for them a million times over.