Eddie Izzard Quotes

I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.

Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.

Drama is a complete meal, vitamins, proteins, carbohydrates. It's a slow burn thing. It's got an arc. Comedy is more like coke.

It's my manifest destiny to wear a skirt in all countries.

My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.

They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in the world.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class?

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?

You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a f*****g H in it!

Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.'

They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.

Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!

I don't believe in God. So I'm a non-believer in the non-visible. I'm a believer in us; in humans.

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?

I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I love that. It's honorable.

You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!

I want to live till I die. No more, no less.

I've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem!

Sharks are just evil bastards. I'm quite happy if all the sharks just went, because they eat fish and us. And we need the fish.

Peace, peace, peace. Peace is organized.

If you're a performer, people tend to be quite positive about you or they have no opinion.

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 [gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You".

I'm an Action Transvestite.

I don't subscribe to the theory that all politicians are crap. I think the 'cool people' often take that position.

Little red cookbook! Little red cookbook!

Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, Oh, would you like insurance?

If you get too well-known, you can never be a comedian's comedian, it just won't sit well. But I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that label.

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

If you get too well-known in comedy, I do believe it blocks people from taking you in drama.

Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen's. They're all frumpy aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousin's marry.

Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words.

That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?

Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them all, I suppose.

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.

The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny, but if you're not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you.

I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.

You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT.

But puberty was... well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite 'cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.

Most transvestites fancy girls.

I'm a dyslexic person, so I avoid books.

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.

San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.