Ambrose Bierce Quotes

I keep a conscience uncorrupted by religion, a judgment undimmed by politics and patriotism, a heart untainted by friendships and sentiments unsoured by animosities.

LUMINARY, One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it.

Empty wine bottles have a bad opinion of women.

Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.

Miss, n. A title which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

MARTYR, One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.

A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.

BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters - the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.

SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouring the body placed in it.

PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

I think I think, therefore I think I am.

Justice is a commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.

PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.

Least said is soon disavowed.

A less popular name for the Second Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.

CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work.

SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine.

LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.

QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government.

Theology is a thing of unreason altogether, an edifice of assumptions and dreams, a superstructure without a substructure

PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government authorities of the Church should be called presbyters.

SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity.

The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.

The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.

Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent.

He laughs best who laughs least.

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.

Self-restraint is indulgence of the propensity to forgo.

ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice.

If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike hypocrites of Canada.

There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

You scoundrel, you have wronged me, " hissed the philosopher, "May you live forever!

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Beware of the compound adjective, beloved of the tyro and the 'poetess'.

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Fear has no brains it is an idiot. The dismal witness that it bears and the cowardly counsel that it whispers are unrelated.

acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

History – An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

Marriage, n.: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

Ah, children of the sunlight and the gaslight, how little you know of the world in which you live!

So I say a name, even if self-bestowed, is better than a number. In the register of the potter's field I shall soon have both. What wealth!

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be.

The hardest tumble a man can take is to fall over his own bluff.

In the presence of death reason and philosophy are silent

TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.