... it's hard to be politically conscious and upwardly mobile at the same time.

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

Unless you are at a picnic, life is no picnic.

I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have deja vu!

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or worse. God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way.

If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?

I worry that our lives are like soap operas. We can go for months and not tune in to them, then six months later we look in and the same stuff is still going on.

One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

I worry that humanity has been "advanced" to its present level of incompetency because evolution works on the Peter Principle.

In every circumstance, always remember that you can only be as happy or miserable as you repeatedly interpret your life to be.

The narrator welcomes new students to his school by offering to tell them who the easy teachers are, or who the good ones are.

Don't wait for things to happen by luck, cause its an uncertain thing anyway.

Somehow when we no longer feel in control we become available to deeper aliveness.

Being a winner is never an accident; winning comes about by design, determination and positive action.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

During the day extend that attitude to everyone you meet. Practice cherishing the "simplest" person (clerks, attendants, etc) or people you dislike.

There is a pair of snakes who have learned to drive a car so recklessly that they would run you over in the street and never stop to apologize.

And I'm slightly in love with Scarlett Johansson: she's just stunning. And she's bright, which is incredibly sexy.

There is a certain amount of purpose, acquiescence, and satisfaction in nursing one's melancholy.