With stand-up, you can be as freeform as you want to be. You can say what you want, how you want, at any moment without constraint.

I don't chase after things, but I put forward the effort and know the rest of it is out of my hands.

I don't necessarily self-identify as a writer, 'cause it implies a certain level of intelligence.

The thing about narcissistic people is that they don't think they're being narcissistic.

Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic, but don't give it more attention than it deserves.

I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud.

Internet fame is like regular fame only without all the annoying 'money' and 'power.'

Super excited about things I'm going to do; never excited about things I'm actually doing.

You have to lead, in the case of a game show, a contestant through the architecture of the show. So there's a lot of rules there, literal and implied, that you have to navigate.

Whatever I write I publish. Because that's where the money is.

Shuffling really isn't something you should be doing on your deathbed.

Jean Paul Sartre says that ‘Hell is other people!’ In the name of completing this sentence we must also say this: ‘Heaven is other people too!

You have to hold onto your fantasy.

All of life is a wager

Most of our future lies ahead.

Not only must we follow the golden thread towards spiritual freedom, but we must also unravel the garden-variety twine that is wrapped tightly around our hearts and minds.

Man, I was tame compared to what they do now.

God's love does not protect us from suffering. God's love protects us in the midst of suffering.

Well, the sales of our products clearly demonstrate their value to businesses and to individuals.

Librarianship is a form of heroism. It’s just not as flashy as swords and dragons.

Love is my sin, and thy dear virtue hate, Hate of my sin, grounded on sinful loving.