When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

What a tiresome place America would be if freedom meant we all had to think alike or be the same color or wear the same gray flannel suit! That road leads to the conformity of the graveyard!

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.

One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

Life is a short walk. There is so little time and so much living to achieve.

My fight is not for racial sameness but for racial equality and against racial prejudice and discrimination.

It would be narrowness to suppose that an artist can only care for the impressions of those who know the methods of his art as well as feel its effects. Art works for all whom it can touch.

I kiss him. My mouth on his. Without fear. Without thought. All of my emotions, my love, my trust, wrapped up in this embrace.

People often mistake their imagination for their heart, & so often are convinced they are converted as soon as they start thinking of becoming converted.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

God bless the child that's got his own.

The monster has escaped Elba!" "The tyrant has landed at Cannes!" "Bonaparte meets the troops." "Napoleon approaches Paris." "His Imperial Majesty has entered the capital.

Neither the adventure of goodness nor the pursuit of righteousness gets headlines.

Time doesn't go. Time stays. We go.

A wise man looks upon men as he does on horses; all their caparisons of title, wealth, and place, he considers but as harness.

I'd like to win an Oscar.