When I was doing standup, I always wanted to get out of the standup world and take it back into the theatrical world, like with "No Cure For Cancer."

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

Life Sucks,get a helmet

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them?

Crisis doesn't create character; it reveals it.

Ann Romney talking about middle class moms is like Chris Christie talking about a salad

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor.

What firefighters, and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do, basically these people say "I'm going to protect all these strangers."

To the folks asking how they can become a comics writer if Marvel doesn't accept submissions... YOU WRITE COMICS!!

Loneliness remembers what happiness forgets

I trust people, and I respect their areas of responsibility.

Capitalists have done more good for society through their charitable giving, philanthropy and generosity than all their critics combined.

Because I'm always so paranoid about doing corny things, or cheesy things in music, that often I probably don't make as good music as I could if I wasn't stifling it so much.

It is always so much easier to be moral than it is to be spiritual.

You only fail if you don't finish the game. If you finish you win. You have to measure what you started out with by what you overcome.

I think all humans are essentially proud and I certainly am.

People often swear the first time they see my work. I like that.

The only remedy against the malady of life is life itself. The bane is its own antidote.