When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret of happiness. Then if you're not a good mixer you can always fall back on your own company.

The French are a logical people, which is one reason the English dislike them so intensely. The other is that they own France, a country which we have always judged to be much too good for them.

I don’t work. I merely inflict myself on the public.

The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.

The ball is man's most disastrous invention, not excluding the wheel.

A party: one arrives long after it's started, and one's going to leave long before it's over.

Every child should be placed on a doorstep to sell something. It's the best possible training for life.

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

Show me the man who has enjoyed his schooldays and I will show you a bully and a bore.

As soon as we conform anything to language, we’ve changed it. Use a word and you’ve altered the world. The poets know this. It’s what they try so hard to avoid.

That is why I often find myself at such cross-purposes with the modern world: I have been a converted Pagan living among apostate Puritans.

I can not travel into my past, without consent of the future me.

I wouldn't say there was a moment of realization when I wanted to be a runner; it was always just something I was.

It's very advanced of you to have accepted my mortality so fatalistically.

Of the three prerequisites of genius; the first is soul; the second is soul; and the third is soul.

I didn't have a choice growing up but to be more insecure because others had more.

Faults are beauties in a lovers eye.

Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing.

You don't make friends with friends. You have got to make friends with your enemies.