We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts.

The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters.

The gift of broadcasting is, without question, the lowest human capacity to which any man could attain.

Only one person in 1000 is a bore, and HE is interesting because he is one person in 1000.

The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill.

Every schoolmaster after the age of forty-nine, is inclined to flatulence is apt to swallow frequently and to puff

To be a good diarist, one must have a snouty, sneaky mind.

The worst thing, I fear, about being no longer young is that one is no longer young.

Intellectuals incline to be individualists, or even independents, are not team conscious and tend to regard obedience as a surrender of personality.

Berlin stimulates like arsenic.

Few things are more agreeable than the spectacle of a man who loses his temper; we should be grateful to such people for providing us with moments of often unsullied delight.

When you love yourself, you love everyone.

I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.

And you know something, because everything that I've gotten - my career, my money, my family; everything that I've gotten and achieved is because of California.

Forcing automakers to sell smaller cars to improve fuel economy [is like]... fighting the nation's obesity problem by forcing clothing manufacturers to sell garments in only small sizes.

When I go home to England, my friends all make fun of me for sounding American.

You can't sing when you're upset. You can't sing when you're crying. You get all congested and disgusting.

In love, everything is true, everything is false; it is the one subject on which one cannot express an absurdity.

If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.

The basic theory in twistor theory is not to add extra dimensions.

Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.