The trouble with having a wired jaw is that you can never tell when you're sleepy. You can't yawn.

It's a good thing I stayed in Cincinnati for four years -- It took me that long to learn how to spell it.

Well, there are three things that the average man thinks he can do better than anybody else. Build a fire, run a hotel and manage a baseball team.

You mix two jiggers of Scotch to one jigger of Metrecal. So far I've lost five pounds and my driver's license.

I bet you don't know what is the first thing Little Leaguers always ask me, 'How much money do you make?'

The main quality a great third base coach must have is a fast runner.

On Jose Gonzalez changing his name to Jose Uribe: 'He was definitely the player to be named later.'

I've had more numbers on my back than a bingo board.

I loved you as a boy and fell in love with you as a man. You’re in here so deep that there is no you, no me. Only us.

A writer is someone who has a one-man tent in the desert and occasionally he sees the footprint of an other writer - in the form of a review or something.

Not all information is beneficial.

[Bob] Dylan crashed his motorcycle in 1967, and almost died. A few years ago, he referred to the experience as a "transfiguration."

I hate the fearful trimming of possibilities that age brings.

What I have learned the most is that women have always been integral to shaping America; they just haven't been recognized across all fields.

The listeners got some such insights into their past lives, as one gets into the darker parts of the woods, when a stray gleam of sunshine finds its way down to the roots of the trees.

You take every opportunity given you in this world, even if you have too many opportunities. One day, the opportunities stop, you know.

The more I think about language, the more it amazes me that people ever understand each other at all.

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.