The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

It seems a shallow observation, but... the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!

The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.

You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.

Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.

Most harm is done by people who are awake.

Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.

Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.

The unreality of the past weeks lifted like a fog, but its residue remained. All of the past is like that, but most especially the parts that are out of the ordinary.

‪#‎STEREOTYPES‬ ‪#‎SOCIETY‬ ‪#‎COMPATIBILITY‬ ‪#‎BREAKTHROUGH‬Stereotypes?? What are they?? WE ARE SOCIETY, WE MAKE SOCIETY..WE ARE NOT MARRIED TO SOCIETY, WE LIVE IN IT!

Be gentle and kind all the time.

No story is complete until it is written.

Nobody has ever measured even poets how much a heart can hold.

gratitude, n. A sentiment lying midway between a benefit received and a benefit expected.

I've told you guys before, goalies don't think.

Abroad, our most important policy is to support our troops and continue forward-thinking foreign policy in the war on terror - keeping our enemies on the run and hitting them before they hit us.

Sometimes the only way is jumping; hope you’re not afraid of heights.

Right and a true woman will see that. And I have kids, so I'm always telling my sons...shower!