The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

God softens harden heart into tender loving heart.

No ale for the girl, Birgit, " Aidan said to the woman. "Do we not have milk?"Regin's face heated. And all the worse, because she would dearly love some milk.

I write against the religion because if women want to live like human beings, they will have to live outside the religion and Islamic law.

An athlete learns how to hold her breath, but that doesn't work in singing. You have to learn to relax.

I don't know how it is the most unattractive creatures of every nation seem to be the ones who travel.

In the days of Moses and the prophets such a man would have been counted among the wise men of the land; in the Middle Ages he would have been burned at the stake.

The worst thing in the world is to feel like people turn on the TV and say, oh god, it's that guy again. I'm trying to avoid that.

It would be a stronger world, a stronger, loving world, to die in.

There is no sin except stupidity.

'Genius' which means transcendent capacity of taking trouble, first of all.