Thank you... preseason football, for having all the excitement, commercials, and time-outs of the regular season, but with none of the mattering. I appreciate it. Thank you.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Really, he thought, if you couldn't trust a poet to offer sensible advice, who could you trust?

Wine is not a magic serum of truth. It just silences that smart little voice in your head which advises against saying some dumb shit.

I started out as a writer. Poetry and prose and also kind of satirical David Sedaris-esque stuff.

When you put off a task, you buy yourself time to engage in divergent thinking rather than foreclosing on one particular idea.

Prudence never kindled a fire in the human mind; I have no hope for conservation born of fear.

I oscillate between agnosticism and atheism.

Privacy isn't negotiable. It's the right of every American.

It sounds extraordinary, but it's a fact that balance sheets can make fascinating reading.

What passes for investigative journalism is finding somebody with their pants down - literally or otherwise.

Rem: The way to kill a shinigami is to make them fall in love with a human. Misa: What a wonderful way to kill.