Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: An empty cup.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

All sorts of darkness and evil are now hiding themselves under the umbrella of religion, Christianity, church etc.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

Everyone is needed, but no one is necessary.

I know sage, wormwood, and hyssop, but I can't smell character unless it stinks.

It is a real tragedy for a nation when three groups of it's people, namely politicians, religious leaders and charity workes, just pretend to be generous.

American suffragist, speech "Is Woman Suffrage Progressing?" at Stockholm, Sweden Radicalism is a label that is always applied to people who are endeavoring to get freedom.

Blank pages inspire me with terror.

The heart wants to go on; that is its dharma. For unless it moves, it dies.

True praise comes often even to the lowly; false praise only to the strong.